Monday, 15 December 2014

Tourism Commissioner

Although this embassy can supply a little information about tourism in Nilkawt, most of the details of most relevance to most tourists will be found through the Nilkawtian Tourism Commission.  On the other hand, the visitors' centres dotted around Nilkawt are not run by the Tourism Commission at all.  They are run by the local government authorities in which those centres are situated.

The Tourism Commissioner, Sir Wolfie A Mozart, has only just been appointed.  In fact, the Tourism Commission itself opened for the first time yesterday.  The ceremony and the offices were noted for being thoroughly magnificent by the fortunate guests in attendance.  There were also a few unfortunate guests who missed the ceremony, having lost their way after being given an out-of-date map at a visitors' centre.

As with many official and unofficial tourism promoters/commissioners in the world today, Sir Wolfie intends to spend a great deal of time and money, over the next few years, promoting Nilkawtian tourism by travelling the world.  Through being a tourist elsewhere, especially in very nice places, the Nilkawtian Tourism Commissioner hopes to learn how to promote Nilkawt in ways that are both interesting to himself and inter-culturally appropriate.  And as a former touring musician, Sir Wolfie intends to ensure that every time a piece of his music is played, anywhere in the world, everyone will subsequently attempt to book a Nilkawtian holiday.

Friday, 12 December 2014

Inns of Kawt

The legal system in Nilkawt is known to be the best in the world.  This is because whenever the entire system breaks down, no-one really notices.

Although the Nilkawtian legal system obviously has some similarities to common law, the uncommon law of Nilkawt has an elegant foundation of cognitive empathy underpinning its jurisprudence.  Its principles of equity flow graciously through the Inns of Kawt, where all full citizens of Nilkawt have received excellent training prior to becoming full citizens.

At the Inns of Kawt, the Nilkawtian Principle Law of Courtesy is taught first, after which the Nilkawtian Principal Law of Constitutional Consistency is explained.  The Inns of Kawt are not quite the same as the Inns of Court of a common law jurisdiction though they are similar in many respects.  The main difference is that anyone desiring to become a full citizen of Nilkawt is required to be called to the Tea Room rather than a Bar.

To learn more about the 

Nilkawtian Principle Law of Courtesy

1. Request some guidance from the digital Nilkawtian ambassador

2. Invite the Nilkawtian head of state to an event

3. Model your own behaviour on that of the Nilkawtian Minister for Courtesy and Moral Philosophy

4. Support global prosperity by emulating the success of the Nilkawtian Trade and Investment Commissioner

To learn more about the 

Nilkawtian Principal Law of Constitutional Consistency

1. Participate in the Parliament of Nilkawt

2. Participate in local government in Nilkawt

3. Participate in the traditions of Nilkawt

4. Understand why a Constitutional crisis may occasionally occur

To be called to the Tea Room, a trainee is required to acknowledge that the laws of tort have been taught particularly well.  The trainee then receives a summons to serve tea and torte to everyone sitting on the Very Full Bench.

Monday, 8 December 2014

An Excellent Economy

Nilkawt has the world's best economy.  Most of its infrastructure is held by the public.  Most of its services are managed privately.  It is therefore neither socialist nor capitalist.

The uniqueness of Nilkawt's economy, and its enviable record of prosperity, means that the world's economists are perplexed.  Their theories have never been put in place in Nilkawt yet no Nilkawtians are excessively poor or excessively rich, except voluntarily.

The banking system of Nilkawt may be subject to international scrutiny at present but so is every other banking system linked to the international banking system.  The Nilkawtians have been trying to unlink their banking system from the international banking system for some time, without success.

More about the banking system of Nilkawt:

In relation to entry requirements for prospective visitors to Nilkawt

In relation to the Bank of Nilkawt

In relation to the Treasury of Nilkawt

In relation to the openness of Nilkawt's government and society

In relation to doing business in Nilkawt

To understand more about the economy of Nilkawt:

Please do not contact the ambassador

Please do book a tour of the royal palace

Please try to learn more about the Nilkawtian treasury

Please attempt to inform yourself about Nilkawtian elections and influence

Please be generous with your trade and investment activities in Nilkawt

Wednesday, 12 November 2014

Political Reform Commission

Lady Philophrosyne Facebookian-Flabberghast, Countess of Cupateeunkaique, is one of the very private private secretaries to the Nilkawtian head of state, Her Illustrious Highness, Twaklin I, Ethereal Grand Duchess of Nilkawt.  Lady Philophrosyne is currently acting as deputy head of state while the head of state is in exile here in Adelaide.

Although any deputy head of state rarely has many powers, Lady Philophrosyne has unusually been given the power to establish a Nilkawtian Political Reform Commission.  This is in keeping with her social networking activities on behalf of Nilkawt as a state and on behalf of Her Illustrious Highness not only as a head of state but as Muse of the World.

As Countess of Cupateeunkaique, Lady Philophrosyne is currently examining the world's legislative chambers, including all the parliaments and parlours.  In view of this, she is eager to ensure that her own version of the parlour meant for you is the most appropriate location for the discussion of any form of political reform.

Monday, 10 November 2014

Twaklinian School of International and Constitutional Law and Peace

Students of the Matildan School of Physical Education, Legal Traditions and Unjustifiable Wealth Transfers have now been advised in writing that all their courses have been cancelled.  No refunds are available.  The school has closed down and all the doors have been locked.

The receivers of the school have been examining the assets.  They have also been taking what they believe to be their own fair share of them, before the processing of most other claims begins.

The secured assets of the school, namely the buildings themselves, are now in the process of being transferred to the ownership of the only secured creditor, namely the Nilkawtian head of state, Her Illustrious Highness Twaklin I.  In her infinite wisdom, the good lady has already begun her patronage of a new law school in Nilkawt, namely the Twaklinian School of International and Constitutional Law and Peace.

The former teachers of the Matildan school are currently in the process of applying for new positions.  Unfortunately, very few teachers of the former educational institution are considered to be assets themselves.  Most of the students are not considered to be assets either, having been sent to the Matildan school by wealthy parents with the primary aim of learning how to expand the family portfolio of assets.

The new school will, of course, teach some of the same material as the old school.  For example, waltzing, legal history, philosophy and international diplomacy will remain as part of the curriculum.   Manipulative rhetoric, competitive jogging, aggressive debating, surprise invoicing, arrogant debt collecting and winning at all costs will not be taught in the new school.

New subjects will include meditation, international law, international finance, international insurance, constitutional law, mediation, minuets and theories of taxation.  Students wishing to transfer to the new school will need to reapply.  All fees are payable in advance.  All scholarships are provided on the basis of social justice.

Friday, 7 November 2014

Travel Advisory

As a state of emergency has been declared for Nilkawt during the current constitutional crisis, all visitors and potential visitors are advised to ensure they are fully aware of what to do in any sort of emergency.

No-one visiting Nilkawt, or planning to visit Nilkawt, should do so without an excellently suitable travel insurance policy.  Obtaining such a policy is the responsibility of visitors themselves. 

The government of Nilkawt usually requests that its own citizens accept the combined assessments and travel warnings of several other nations before going elsewhere in the world.  For example, the travel advisory service of the Australian government may come in handy before embarking on journeys for business, leisure and/or education.  They may not be particularly helpful for anyone seeking to go into exile.

Thursday, 30 October 2014

Constitutional Crisis

Many concerns have been raised recently about the lack of news from Nilkawt.  There have even been some suggestions that the Nilkawtians are currently experiencing a constitutional crisis.

This digital embassy is open, mainly because the Nilkawtian head of state, Her Illustrious Highness the Ethereal Grand Duchess, Twaklin I, is currently in exile in this vicinity.  The judicial system of Nilkawt has collapsed, quite literally.

In view of this, before leaving the royal palace in Twaklinton, Her Illustrious Highness declared a state of emergency, as is her constitutional prerogative.  All states of emergency in Nilkawt usually amount to the same thing as an ad hoc public holiday.  Most members of the Nilkawtian public are, therefore, quite pleased about the current situation.

The facts of the matter are clear.  None of the judges of the Nilkawtian Hike Kawt Court of the Caught completed the necessary course of conduct as tradition prescribes, thereby deeming them unfit for office.  This was mainly due to the fact that the judges of the court had all been too busy in recent years, reading legislative documents and government reports in order to uphold the constitution.  They had therefore been unable to schedule enough time for physical training.

It has also reached the notice of the government of Nilkawt, as well as the Nilkawtian parliament/public, that all the judges of the Hike Kawt Court of the Caught had been prescribed medications for conditions incompatible with athletic exertions.  In view of this, once recovered enough to travel, the judges were all sent off to Adelaide last Saturday for an evening presentation of judicial evidence.

The Nilkawtian head of state is in the process of setting up a government in exile here in Adelaide.  She has the keys to all the government offices and official filing cabinets of Nilkawt in her possession, as well as the keys to the voting machine, the spare keys to the royal palace and all the key documents from the Hike Kawt building itself.

There have been no signs of civil unrest in Nilkawt, except for a few tourists who are unhappy that their tours of the royal palace have been cancelled.  Throughout history, foreigners have often been considered to be far more dangerous than locals when legal systems collapse.

Thursday, 16 October 2014

Public Holidays

The Nilkawtians believe regular public holidays are essential to their health and happiness.  In accordance with their constitution and Constitution, the people of Nilkawt, and their visitors, are usually able to enjoy public holidays at regular intervals.

There is the Election Announcement public holiday beginning in mid May every year and lasting for three weeks, three days and three minutes.

The New Citizen Ceremony public holiday is held on 1 July each year and lasts for no more than two hours.

The Election Campaign public holiday begins on the last Friday in August and lasts until the end of September, but only in the years in which elections are held.  Fortunately elections occur in every even year.  There is nothing odd about election campaigns in Nilkawt.

The traditional Social Season in Nilkawt still begins on the second Friday in October and lasts until the last Tuesday in March, every year.  Even though it is not formally recognised as such, the entire Social Season is often regarded as a public holiday by the Nilkawtians, including most of the persons employed in this digital embassy.

Wednesday, 15 October 2014

The Rule of Law

All Nilkawtians are required to uphold the rule of law with the utmost integrity.  The Nilkawtian Constitution therefore upholds the peaceful and democratic aims of the Nilkawtians in every respect. 

In most societies, younger persons are the cause of most types of disruption.  Although humane methods preventing the conception of excessive quantities of future generations are very well known in the world today, vast quantities of current generations, in many locations, have already produced vast quantities of offspring, quite often without the consent of the female parents of those offspring.  This is why the rule of law is so difficult to maintain in non-Nilkawtian territories.

It is very fortunate indeed that the Constitution of Nilkawt requires all Nilkawtian citizens to be dual citizens of Nilkawt and Australia.  Banishment to Australia is therefore possible whenever breaches of Nilkawtian laws have been identified sufficiently.

Most person with offspring are unlikely to become full citizens of Nilkawt.  And no Australian person is able to become any sort of Nilkawtian citizen until fully mature.

The Nilkawtian Constitution also requires all visitors to Nilkawt to be citizens of Australia, though obviously not (yet) citizens of Nilkawt.  All persons under the age of twenty eight years are forbidden to enter Nilkawtian territory regardless of their citizenship status. 

The necessity for all visitors and Nilkawtian citizens to be mature and responsible Australian citizens applies in all cases.  This is regardless of anyone's reasons for wishing to be within Nilkawt territory.  It therefore makes the messy requirements of international relations so much easier to manage.

Tuesday, 14 October 2014


The openness of the Nilkawtian government is renowned around the world.  This is an undoubted fact, even though most of that openness is not open to the physical scrutiny of impertinent foreign officials.

Nilkawt is open about its history.

Nilkawt is open about its media.

Nilkawt is open about its banking and treasury.

Nilkawt is open about the opening, closing and reopening of its embassies.

Nilkawt is open about its diplomatic digital mission.

Nilkawt is open about its governance, including its cabinet.

Nilkawt is open about its parliament.

Nilkawt is open about its tourism.

Nilkawt is open about its local communities.

Nilkawt is open about its requirements for citizenship.

Nilkawt is open about its requirements for business.

Nilkawt is open about its requirements for students.

Nilkawt is even relatively open about its elections.

Monday, 13 October 2014

Trade and Investment Commissioner

The Nilkawtian Trade and Investment Commissioner, Lady Verity (Veri) Goode, Countess of Elegantshire, is the model of business success worldwide.  The commissioner is the younger sister of the current Nilkawtian defence minister.

The entire County of Elegantshire is an export park, where thousands of elegant experts are employed on a wide range of imaginative research and development initiatives.  None of those persons work in the defence, mining or finance industries.  There is nothing elegant about preparing for wars, digging holes and burying treasure.

Lady Veri is the epitome of polite unpretentiousness and exquisite good taste.  Although she knows very well indeed that most billionaires in the world have an awkwardly poor sense of style and decorum, she is very pleased she is not one of them herself.  Even so, her personal fortune is quite possibly and comfortably within the range of a very-high-net-worth individual, though she never talks about the vulgar topic of money.

As Nilkawtian Trade and Investment Commissioner, Lady Veri delights in conversations about value.  If an investor wishes to discuss costs and benefits, or possibly even potential profits, Lady Veri gently guides such a person towards an appreciation of higher qualities.  If the investor still wishes to discuss costs, benefits and possible profits, Lady Veri is likely to show that person to the nearest investment door.

Unlike her sister, Jane, whose investments and assets are mainly in Australia and other under-developed countries, Lady Veri has declined to participate in any speculative ventures.  She has also declined to agree with the bigoted and repetitive opinions of her Uncle Bulldust, which is why he has announced, loudly and publicly, that he has excluded Lady Veri from his will.

All of Lady Veri's personal and commercial investments are within Nilkawt itself.  She often states that a commissioner should always lead by example.  That is why many of her philanthropic and scientific investments are of a globally-useful nature.

Most of Lady Veri's duties as commissioner require her to participate in the fine art of balanced portfolios.  She knows that commerce is only sordid when it is unmatched by lofty principles.  She also knows that lofty principles are themselves sordid if not matched by lofty actions.

An economy, in her view, is meant to raise the standard of interpersonal courtesy and enhance the quality of life of everyone, except the excessively lazy or excessively greedy.  Such an economy should give reason to hope for stability, everywhere in the world, and provide no cause for social unrest within Nilkawt itself.

Lady Veri is often the guest of honour at this digital embassy, much to the relief of the ambassador, who has no interest in, or understanding of, economic or commercial matters whatsoever. 

Friday, 10 October 2014


Tradition maintains that the ethereal Nilkawtian head of state will remain in that position for at least a thousand years, unless abdication is chosen.  After about two thousand years, it is likely that any society would want a different head of state, hence the constitution limits the term of office to 1,101 years, 101 hours and 11 seconds.

The previous head of state had a relatively short term in office, having abdicated after little more than 800 years.  Even so, she still intends to attend many of the ethereal events of the Nilkawtian Social Season, if invited to do so.  She also intends to attend royal events, anywhere else in the world, whether she is invited to attend those events or not.

Although Nilkawt has many laws in place to prevent its traditions becoming completely ridiculous, all Nilkawtians embrace the comfortable certainty and reassuring regularity of official celebrations.  In view of this, the traditional Social Season in Nilkawt still begins on the second Friday in October and lasts until the last Tuesday in March.  It is therefore unlike the traditionally silly British one.

In view of the above, a coronation ceremony is rarely part of the Social Season.  Even so, the most important opening event of the Season usually requires the presence of all the most distinguished members of Nilkawtian society.  They have traditionally participated in a magnificent procession from the Royal Palace in Twaklinton to the Palace of the Parlours, where Parliament sits, and onwards to the Hike Kawt Court of the Caught, where the Constitution of Nilkawt is enshrined in a beautiful, shining shrine.

The procession takes place at 10am on the second Saturday in October every year, including leap years.  At the head of the Constitutional Procession is the Sublime Solar Royal Carriage, in which the head of state and members of the Order of the Charter sit.

Fortunately there are no horses in Nilkawt, as everyone else in the Constitutional Procession is required to walk barefoot behind the carriage, unless presentations of Socially Special Sandals have been made to them by the head of state beforehand.

On the first day of the Season, the day before the Constitutional Procession, all the judges of the Hike Kawt Court of the Caught are required to run ceremoniously down the hill from their high offices in full court dress, all the way to the Royal Palace.  Those surviving the Jogging of the Judges Ceremony are then provided with somewhere to recover themselves until the Constitutional Procession begins the following day.  This tradition ensures all the highest judges in Nilkawt remain sufficiently fit for office.

Any judges deemed unsuitable for continuation as judges, whether in a physical, mental, judicial or civic capacity, are subsequently examined publicly, later in the Social Season, by a panel of honourable citizens, carefully selected at random and appointed ceremoniously by the Humour Rights Commissioner.  This process is conducted openly and publicly so that suitable replacements for the retiring judges can then be identified and appointed with egalitarian dignity, in accordance with equitable tradition.

Attendance at many other events of the Social Season is strictly by invitation only.  This exclusivity is maintained to ensure all attention-seeking persons and inadequately respectful media personnel are kept away. 

All the most highly prized invitations for the most exclusive occasions of the Social Season are sent out on behalf of the Nilkawtian head of state during the third week of January each year.  Replies are required by the last day of February, except in a leap year, when replies are not required at all.

The Nilkawtians have traditionally avoided all displays of conspicuous poor taste. In keeping with Nilkawtian tradition, therefore, no events of the Social Season are permitted to be sponsored by corporate entities.

Also in keeping with the elegantly egalitarian aspects of the Nilkawtian Social Season, there are no charity balls to attend.  Social extravagances in other parts of the world have been known for the condescending self-indulgence of overly wealthy persons rather than for encouraging widespread, enlightened philanthropy.

Thursday, 9 October 2014

International Law

As a founding member of the Enlightened Nations, Nilkawt upholds the International Laws of Decency, as well as Eternal Law.  Responding to external matters requires a full and comprehensive understanding of international laws, universal laws and transcendental laws.  This is why the Nilkawtians delegate such tasks to their very well trained diplomatic officials.

As with any society, very few Nilkawtians know very much about any sort of law at all.  It is why most citizens of Nilkawt are currently receiving training in such matters.

The Government of Nilkawt does not recognise the legitimacy of any other government in the international sphere unless that government recognises the ethereal and institutional sovereignty of Nilkawt and its citizens.  Applying to recognise Nilkawtian sovereignty is very easy indeed for any government to achieve.  Unfortunately, most governments have very little ability to achieve anything of long-term benefit to the world, regardless of how long they have been in power.

Wednesday, 8 October 2014

Selection Processes

Whether applying for a visa, applying to become a citizen, choosing a cabinet, or applying the tools of excellent decision-making elsewhere, it is necessary to understand the correct procedures for the selection processes.

Applying for entry to Nilkawt requires the applicant to select the most suitable type of visa.  The applicant is further assisted by knowing when a Nilkawtian embassy is open and when it is closed.

Applying to become a citizen of Nilkawt initially requires some prior residency in Nilkawt itself.  In view of this, as an initial step, it is necessary to understand the procedures for selecting visas and visitors and hence being subsequently selected for entry to Nilkawtian territory for any purpose at all.

Residency in Nilkawt is no guarantee that Nilkawtian citizenship will be attained.  Initially, an application should be made for associate citizenship, after which full citizenship may or may not be granted.

Full citizenship not only requires the successful completion of a highly selective process for the acquisition of essential accomplishments but also a petition to the head of state, signed personally by twelve highly regarded full mortal Nilkawtian citizens, endorsing the application.

Choosing a cabinet, on the other hand, is never as easy as selecting individuals.  No matter how accomplished one cabinet member may be, there are always the factors of group dynamics to consider.

Either all cabinet members should be equally competent, or they should be equally incompetent.  Such wisdom is enshrined appropriately in the Nilkawtian Constitution, of course.

As it is compulsory for a Nilkawtian citizen of any stature to accept a cabinet position when offered, there is very little opportunity for anyone to jostle for power.  This is probably why Australian journalists rarely request interviews with Nilkawtian cabinet members.

Selecting persons to run local government institutions in Nilkawt, on the other hand, is mainly conducted through a process of tradition, using the time-honoured method of trial and error.  This saves a great deal of time and a great deal of money.  It also creates a great deal of dramatic tension, media attention, dishonourable discussions, sensational trials and possibly avoidable errors.

Any Nilkawtian associate citizen deemed to be relatively honourable, seemingly competent and appropriately qualified will be given an initial two-week local government position of responsibility on a non-compulsory basis.  Applications can be made at any time at all as there is always room for improvement in any community and its environment. 

Local government in Nilkawt is very exciting indeed and an excellent career choice for anyone worthy of respect.

Tuesday, 7 October 2014

Independent Commissioners Against Corruption

Every society needs at least one independent commissioner against corruption.  In Nilkawt, there are twenty-five such positions, twenty-four of which are currently filled.

The most important qualification for a commissioner against corruption is the ability to think independently.  In most societies, however, it is very difficult indeed to identify and locate any persons with that ability.  That may be because the science of independent thinking is still in its infancy and human nature has a tendency to be manipulated quite easily and irrationally.

Preventing corruption, reporting cases of possible corruption, and investigating claims of corruption usually require millions of independent minds to be working around the clock, all around the world.  This requires discernment.  It requires courage.  It requires support.  It requires the willingness to seek out facts and check their verifiability.

Currently, the Nilkawtian independent commissioners against corruption are assisting the Nilkawtian independent commissioners for free and fair elections to ensure the recent elections in Nilkawt were truly free and fair.   Being fair themselves, and working for a reasonable but not excessive salary, the independent commissioners against corruption certainly have the ability to ensures that fairness is also upheld by the independent commissioners for free and fair elections.

Monday, 6 October 2014

Independent Commissioners for Free and Fair Elections

Peer pressure is often a problem in any society.  It is for this reason that secret ballots are required, even though many voters still believe they are meant to vote as others wish them to vote.

In Nilkawt, such problems are easily solved.  Reasonably free elections require little funding in Nilkawt.  They are therefore almost free in several senses of the word.

Reasonably fair elections, like all forms of fairness, require suitably experienced persons to make the most important decisions.  There is nothing more important than choosing members of a cabinet, which is why the decision should never be left to one person.

Electing a cabinet is far more important than attempting to choose political or economic representatives of lesser influence.  In most societies, only positions of lesser influence are voted upon by ordinary members of the public.  In Nilkawt, persons highly likely to become cabinet members are usually ordinary members of the public themselves.

The Independent Commissioners for Free and Fair Elections are responsible for ensuring representatives of Nilkawtian ordinariness are given the most suitable cabinet positions for their talents.   In most other societies, persons of mediocre talent and extraordinarily narcissistic tendencies are usually given cabinet positions for which they are quite unsuited.

There are three commissioners, all of whom are extraordinarily tall, muscular and excellent debaters.  They work as a well co-ordinated team to ensure each voter has all the tools of persuasion required in order to make the correctly democratic decisions. 

Friday, 3 October 2014

Election Results

The recent elections in Nilkawt ran very smoothly and democratically indeed, as usual. 

As far as the governance of Nilkawt is concerned, cabinets are appointed for a maximum of three years and a minimum of two years, unless a shorter time span is deemed necessary in the event of societal agitation.  All members of a particular cabinet usually begin their terms at the same time.  They also end their terms together, unless something very unusual occurs.

Most other members of the Nilkawtian government are either appointed for life, or appointed on a fixed term, or appointed for an unpredictable length of time at the pleasure of the head of state.  The cabinet is only a very small part of the government.

The official announcement of the most recent election took place on Wednesday 21 May, at 17.38:23 in the afternoon.  It is only in a year after a leap year than the official announcement is made politely and precisely at 3pm, or at 15.00:00 to be most officially precise.  In other years, the time of day is chosen is at the discretion of the head of state, in accordance with the relevant provisions of the Constitution, and in accordance with the provisions supplied for afternoon tea on that day.

The official announcement was, of course, followed immediately by a public holiday.  It was noted by the head of state, with some amusement, that some people would miss their scheduled transport connections for non-Nilkawtian adventures, due to the fact that those persons were inadequately familiar with the provisions of the Constitution and were therefore not permitted to leave their places of employment in time for their proposed departure.

As the election itself was held on Tuesday 30 September, the earlier public holiday and subsequent months of discussions gave the sitting cabinet members plenty of time to ponder over the possible identities of their replacements.  The formal vote therefore took place, as scheduled, in accordance with the Constitution, and the votes were counted that same evening.

The formal announcement of the results, however, is not yet due to be held just yet.  This means that there is much gossip and suspense occurring in Nilkawt at present.  Everyone needs a little excitement in their lives from time to time and this has therefore been enshrined in the Constitution.

The ballot itself was secret, of course.  In fact, the results are also a secret at present as they were only counted initially by the Earl of Foolya's worldwide patent-pending uniquely infallible FPH machine.

The earl, as a count, is a gentleman of impeccable discretion on most occasions.  Under his less-formal-yet-still-noble name of Lord Gregory Gobsmack-Twittering, he is most famous for having developed the FPH machine, originally and initially, for the unfailingly accurate assessment of biased public opinion.  FPH is therefore meant to mean Foolproof Popularity Hashtag.

Most Nilkawtians prefer to refer to the machine as the Finest People Hired device, though that may be a sign of wishful thinking on their part.  They would certainly not refer to it as a political machine.

The password for the FPH machine was set well before the election by the Nilkawtian head of state, meaning that she is the only person qualified to announce the results officially and accurately.  The Constitution allows her to do so at any time of her own pleasure as long as it is between the second Friday in October immediately after an election and by the last Tuesday in March before the first official announcement of the next election.

In the meantime, there are many persons unofficially and inaccurately speculating on who will be part of the next Nilkawtian cabinet.  In most other societies, such speculators are referred to as political pundits.

For further information regarding Nilkawtian Constitutional arrangements, please refer to the following items:

More details about the elections

More details about the parliament

More details about the head of state

More details about official announcements

Thursday, 2 October 2014

Grand Reopening

Yesterday, great celebrations were held for the grand reopening of this digital embassy.  As part of the ritual, the keys were pressed and stroked affectionately by everyone present, before the ambassador ceremoniously opened the windows here in Adelaide.

The Nilkawtian elections are over.  Everything can go back to normal.  The Nilkawtian Constitution will see to that.

A few words were passed quietly around the gathering to reassure everyone that a new cabinet would be sworn in at the most appropriate moment.  There were sighs of relief at the news.

Friday, 29 August 2014

Minister of Communications

The Nilkawtian Minister of Communications is usually responsible for ensuring information is available for publication through this digital embassy at 9 am local time on weekday morning.  Even so, such a requirement does not apply during election campaigns, when publication of any information at all about Nilkawt is strictly banned within Nilkawtian territory, as well as through any Nilkawtian embassies, including this one.

All Nilkawtian embassies are also required to be closed during election campaigns, including this digital one.  The official closing event in question will probably occur in synchrony at 5 pm Nilkawtian time today, if the ambassador remembers to lock the digital doors properly.

In view of the above, the current Minister of Communications, Doctor Hu Sayyid Watt, wants to have the last word not only today but also until after the elections.

Doctor Hu is an inscrutable gentleman on most occasions, though he has been observing the media and communications of other nations for quite some time now and has picked up some very bad habits as a consequence.  He recently sought to post a selfie here, whatever that means.  He explained that it had something to do with portraiture, but as no portraits other than the official one of the Nilkawtian head of state are permitted to be presented in any official Nilkawtian form of communication, his request was denied.

Doctor Hu frequently states that he comes from a highly distinguished family.  He says that his father's father was of esteemed Arabian descent and his father's very wealthy mother was of honorable Chinese and Mongolian descent. His mother's father was also of Chinese descent, apparently, and was in fact the half-brother of his father's mother.  His mother's mother always stated that she was directly descended on her father's side from the eldest son of the famous James Watt, though that dubious biographical information does not match the know facts at all.  However, Ms Watt may have descended from one of the children of the distinguished gentleman's second marriage.

Doctor Hu is called Doctor Hu, rather than Doctor Sayyid or Doctor Watt, because his Hu great grandfather, himself a Doctor Hu, left a huge sum of money in a trust fund in Switzerland to pay for the education of any of his family members willing to become a new Doctor Hu in the extended family diaspora.  In view of this, the young Sayyid Watt Hu or Hu Watt Sayyid, depending on his geographical location at the time, became Hu Sayyid Watt and went to Eton and Cambridge in England, then Harvard in the United States and then to the International Training Centre for the Harmonious Interplay of Beauty, Understanding and Magnificence in both Adelaide and Nilkawt.  Doctor Hu then became a foreign exchange dealer in New York, before returning to Nilkawt to continue his education.

The Sayyid side of the family, like the Hu side of the family, is scattered all over the world, and perhaps even all over the universe. Doctor Hu says he enjoyed a very close relationship with his father, Mr Sayyid, when he was growing up, even though they rarely met.  Mr Sayyid worked in the oil industry in Iran before the revolution there.  He then worked in the oil industry in Saudi Arabia, Iraq, Kuwait, Texas and in the North Sea.

Mr Sayyid's parents were both archaeologists, as were those of Mrs Sayyid, who was herself better known as Professor Hu, in keeping with the family tradition.  Professor Hu was a petroleum engineer, like Mr Sayyid.  Most of her career was spent in universities rather than deserts and seas.

The archaeologist Doctor Watt was inspired to take up that career after reading about the work of Gertrude Bell, Dorothy Garrod and Princess Marie of Windisch-Graetz.  Her own father was a tram conductor in London from the 1920s to the 1940s and her mother was a tea lady and occasional spy at the Foreign Office in Whitehall.

Doctor Hu's grandparents were all part of an international research team at Eridu in the 1950s.  In the 1970s, they retired to secluded, adjoining cottages near Kalangadoo in South Australia to grow olive trees and keep bees.  Their children subsequently joined them there from the 1990s onwards while the grandchildren studied in various parts of the world.

Doctor Hu Sayyid Watt is looking forward to giving up his technological and technocratic duties as Nilkawtian Minister of Communications so that he can speak and write more freely about his life, his personal interests, his currently secret ministerial activities and his family history.  He claims never to have been a communist or a capitalist or any other sort of ist.

In fact, Doctor Hu believes a prosperous, peaceful and harmonious society is one in which all ists are banned or sent off into the time warp in which they truly belong.  His theory is that when this occurs, everyone will be able to communicate without unnecessary arguments, at least if they can agree to disagree on the interpretation of scientific and even non-scientific evidence.

The Nilkawtian Ministry of Communications never discusses its activities.  All further information is classified.  Do not discuss this with your friends. You may find yourself participating in some extraordinary renditions of ballroom dancing, table tennis, Sufi poetry and Peking opera.

And always remember that it is never safe to accept cups of tea from strangers in relatively luxurious hotels.

Thursday, 28 August 2014


The history of Nilkawt has never been properly published as most of the historians working on the topic are still working on the topic and therefore have not yet produced anything worthy of publication.

A brief history of the old and new royal Nilkawtian palaces is available for tourists, but this is merely a superficial gloss on the truth, like most information provided for such purposes.

If you believe news to be future history, then the future history of Nilkawt has already been provided to you through this embassy.

Wednesday, 27 August 2014


Nilkawt has an excellent, extensive and anonymous media service, as well as a few more prominent and better funded sources of lesser quality.  All of the digital media services of Nilkawt are operated from outside Nilkawtian territory.

The central government of Nilkawt owns the The Nilkawtian Gazette, which publishes all the important facts and figures about Nilkawt and the districts surrounding it.  No-one outside the government itself currently reads the current editions of The Nilkawtian Gazette even though it is produced on a daily basis at great expense.

Most government ministers in Nilkawt are known to ignore facts and figures, which has always been quite a common phenomenon in most governments around the world. This means that the The Nilkawtian Gazette is only of practical use to the official historians of Nilkawt, all of whom are always fully occupied in writing The Nilkawtian Chronicles.

Each local government area within Nilkawt has its own newspaper, each of which is called The Local.  These are owned by the centralised Local Government Administration Service, which itself is owned by the central government of Nilkawt.  Unfortunately, most Nilkawtians are rarely able to tell which version of  The Local belongs to their local area and which of the other types of The Local are supposed to be more relevant to one of the other counties.

No "free" newspapers are permitted in Nilkawt.  No printed advertising or billboards are permitted in Nilkawt, either.  This ensures that the beauty of each local area is enhanced with some efficiency and that the recycling facilities of Nilkawt are not used unnecessarily.

The Nilkawtian Gazette and The Local are available by annual subscription.  Payments and mailings are arranged through the Opulent Office of the Prime Minister.  That office, as everyone in Nilkawt knows, is usually staffed only by properly trained members of the acting profession, none of whom have any administrative abilities whatsoever. 

The actors are, however, exceptionally proficient at method acting, ensuring they all have the ability to act on the world stage as a head of government, a deputy head of government, a deputy foreign minister or deputy head of state at a moment's notice, without anyone noticing anything odd.  They are experts at performing at press conferences, publicity stunts and global junkets.

For the real news in Nilkawt, most Nilkawtians seek out the most excellent news blogs produced for the benefit of all the people in their local area, just as the people of Adelaide do.  However, the Constitution of Nilkawt requires these either to be read from outside Nilkawtian territory or to be expensively printed before importation.   Discussing news is always a private pursuit in Nilkawt, unless is involves policy matters.

Tuesday, 26 August 2014


The Treasury of Nilkawt is supervised by the Chief Lady-in-Waiting (CLW) to Her Illustrious Highness the Ethereal Grand Duchess.  The CLW position holder, in her financial capacity, is known as the Great Saviour of the Treasury.  In a political capacity, she is known as the (sub) Prime Minister.

Depending on the qualities of the Chief Lady-in-Waiting, the prime ministerial activities may either be substandard or merely subordinated to more important matters.  Political activities are rarely substantial in Nilkawt, even for someone with responsibility for the nation's sublime finances.

As Great Saviour of the Treasury, the Chief Lady-in-Waiting appoints all of the economic, banking, insurance and financial advisers to the Nilkawtian people.  Her main duty, in such a capacity, is to ensure a steady and substantial revenue stream for the running of Nilkawt, regardless of the quantity or quality of water, or lack of it, in the fields, gardens, forests, orchards, creeks, ponds, dams and rainwater tanks of the nation.

Money is often to be treated like water in Nilkawt, as stated in the Constitution:  Money:  Too much of it often creates a muddy social swamp and much inconvenience to persons of little wealth.  Too little of it tends to dry up all enthusiasm and leads intelligent persons to go elsewhere in search of a better life

The Chief Lady-in-Waiting is also the Head of the Royal Household.  This position has a far higher status, and much higher power, than that of the three private Private Secretaries to Her Illustrious Highness.  Fortunately, in her occasionally infinite wisdom, the current ethereal grand duchess, Twaklin I, has ensured that the Chief Lady-in-Waiting position is filled newly each day from a roster of all the suitably qualified ladies within her household.  At present, there are three hundred and seventy-seven such persons.

In colloquial terms, the CLW is known as The Clue.  In view of this, no-one can say that Her Illustrious Highness doesn't have a Clue.  In fact, even before her unpredicted and unprecedented accession to the throne, the ethereal grand duchess had been responsible for training all the ladies in question to be ladies in waiting.

Unfortunately, most ladies in the world are, of course, still waiting not only for the training they require in order to take up their rightful places in society, they are also waiting for the respect due to them for their current abilities, their expressed and unexpressed qualities, and their untapped abilities to balance household, national and global budgets.

As the treasury position is so important in Nilkawt, ordinary meetings of the Cabinet are chaired by the unofficial Head of Government, namely the Minister for Arts and Sciences.

Monday, 25 August 2014

Grand Closing

In view of the fact that secret ballots in Nilkawt are very secret indeed, and the next Nilkawtian elections are to be held on Tuesday 30 September 2014, the Government of Nilkawt wishes to announce that this digital embassy, and all other Nilkawtian embassies around the world, will be shut from the end of August 2014 until further notice.

Although the further notice will not be available through this embassy, as it will still be shut, of course, please ensure you await further official announcements directly from Her Illustrious Highness the Ethereal Grand Duchess, Twaklin I.  These will be made available through the offices and auspices of her three very distinguished, very discreet and very private Private Secretaries, namely:

Lord Gregory Gobsmack-Twittering, Earl of Foolya

Lady Philophrosyne Facebookian-Flabberghast, Countess of Cupateeunkaique

Lord Dughall Google Platter-Plus-Bugle, Earl of Backoutshire

Notification Source A

Notification Source B

Notification Source C

Friday, 22 August 2014

Humour Rights Commissioner

The Nilkawtian Humour Rights Commission works closely with its international counterparts, even including the Australian one.  This ensures serious attention is given to the most important local and global matters by the people of greatest influence.

The Humour Rights Commissioner for Nilkawt, The Exceedingly Honourable The Marchioness of Passatempo, Lady Felicia Gioconda Allegra Divertimento, knows that her job is the most important one in the world.  Good humour is essential to the maintenance and development of psychological well-being and world peace, she believes.  Unfortunately, some of her enemies call her The Mad Marchioness, or Mad March for short.

Lady Felicia has been responsible for many excellent initiatives by the Nilkawtian government.  In fact, there would be very few initiatives by the government at all without her influence, guidance and ongoing support.  Lady Felicia is an expert on the legitimate use of farce.

The Commission is commissioned to commission suitably qualified members of the public to sit on the Commission.  The Commission then grants permissions through a process of submissions regarding various admissions from wayward politicians.

Citizens with petitions accompanied by musicians present their positions with jokes about omissions.   This is particularly useful when election are about to be held.

Suitably qualified members of the public are usually few and far between, so the Commissioner is often the only person on the Commission. Her main duty is to ensure free and fair elections.  This is achieved by finding out which people are genuinely ambitious for political office and which ones see it all as a joke.

A gag order is placed on anyone genuinely seeking high public office, for obvious reasons.  For persons pretending to seek higher office for satirical rather than political purposes, measures are in place to ensure they are surprised by the outcome of their actions.

For example, the current Nilkawtian Minister for Arts and Sciences is someone no-one would take seriously in any circumstances.  He had mentioned to his great aunt, once or twice before his appointment, that he thought he was suitably qualified for the position of Enlightenment Minister.  Unfortunately for the minister, his Great Aunt Jocasta is one of the greatest gossips the Government of Nilkawt has ever had the displeasure of acknowledging.

Thursday, 21 August 2014

Visiting Nilkawt

Finding Nilkawt on a map is often impossible.  Even during a land title search, things can be quite difficult.  Land in Nilkawt is registered under Twaklin title not Torrens title.

In order to maintain the privacy of the Nilkawtians, there are no road signs leading to Nilkawt. All maps upon which the location of Nilkawt is indicated are the intellectual property of the Nilkawtian Head of State and therefore subject to the payment of significant royalty fees.

There are no airports, anywhere in the world, with aircraft available to fly directly or indirectly to Nilkawt.  This is mainly due to the fact that Nilkawt has no airport or helipad of its own, for reasons of energy efficiency. 

For reasons of safety, Nilkawt has no mechanisms or employees in place to manage the control of any form of air traffic, for any sort of flying machine or even for large flocks of cockatoos.  This is because many Nilkawtians have prior rights and therefore delight in flying kites at all hours of the day and night above every Nilkawtian open space of their own choosing, subject to the laws of trespass.

Nilkawt does, however, have a mechanism in place to prevent its territory being seen by anyone from space.  This gadget was originally invented by the Nilkawtian foreign minister for reasons of personal privacy during the summer months, but now it is used all year round for the benefit of all the people of Nilkawt.

As this digital embassy mainly exists for the benefit of foreigners wishing to visit Nilkawt, such persons may find it helpful to ensure, initially, that they are able to find Adelaide on a map, with or without the assistance of Abel Tasman.  Adelaide is where this embassy, the nearest one to Nilkawt, is situated.

A map purportedly showing Adelaide

A map purportedly showing

Adelaide, Australia and Nilkawt

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

Minister for Useful Employment

There are only two types of employment within Nilkawt, one of which is generated by the Ministry of Useful Employment and the other type is not.  Anyone unable to find work without the assistance of the ministry is required to apply for work through the ministry itself.

In view of this, there is never any unemployment in Nilkawt.  Nor are there any pensions or pensioners amongst the citizenry, except in exceptional circumstances.  Anyone unable to work in other available and unavailable occupations due to illness, frailty, disability, injury or general incompetence will immediately be employed through the Ministry of Useful Employment, usually as a public medical research assistant.

Anyone working as a public medical research assistant is provided with free accommodation, free food and a generous general allowance for additional personal expenses. Such persons are also usually eligible for free training, free transport and free health care, in all their varieties.

The current Minister for Useful Employment, Doctor Hester Proctor, believes everyone over the age of three years, eight months and two days should be usefully employed for no less than six hours each day and no more than ten hours, every day of the week, whenever commuting is not involved.  Doctor Proctor's extensive international research reveals this to be healthy for most persons in most societies, at least if they are mainly employed as public medical research assistants.

Doctor Proctor believes all forms of commuting to be very unhealthy, particularly for journeys lasting more than eight minutes.  Therefore, most people in Nilkawt are required to live within eight minutes of their usual place of work.

In addition, as it is rarely possible to become a citizen of Nilkawt before the age of 42, and all children under the age of 28 years are strictly forbidden from entering Nilkawtian territory, there is plenty of work available in Nilkawt for mature adults, both inside and outside government services.

Being a public medical research assistant is the most prestigious occupation in Nilkawt, though persons employed in that capacity rarely have any privacy.  Such workers often rise to celebrity status as their every action and statement is recorded and subsequently reported through the Nilkawtian media.

Tuesday, 19 August 2014


It is most fortunate for the Nilkawtians, and for the rest of the world, that Nilkawt has a detailed, yet comprehensible and democratic Constitution.  Every Thursday, all Nilkawtians, according to the Constitution, are required to have a long luncheon with a small group of acquaintances.

During the weekly lunchtime meeting, the improvement of the Constitution is required to be the only topic of conversation, at least during the main course.   In view of this, most Nilkawtians enjoy eating together in silence.

A few people are known to prefer gathering for salads and in depth discussions on the merits of the current Constitutional system and the possible consequences of various proposed changes, but no-one else takes any notice.

Eating takes precedence over thoughts about presidents whenever a Nilkawtian casserole is served.  Improving any political system requires some thought about food, as well as food for thought, which is why a hot luncheon is more likely to be the hottest topic of conversation for the politically misguided or the merely hungry. 

Monday, 18 August 2014

Minister for Training

Although there is no-one supervising the Departments for Enlightenment, or Health or Education in Nilkawt at present, it is very fortunate indeed that there is a Ministry for Training.  Most persons employed by that ministry, and all other ministries in Nilkawt, are currently trainees themselves.

The Minister for Training, Professor Elbertina  Marshmallow, supervises the curriculum offered by the Nilkawtian Beneficence Society (NBS).  The NBS is responsible for providing guidance to anyone wishing to train anyone to do anything.  It currently has a monopoly regarding such pursuits.

In the view of the Minister, most training, in most parts of the world, is not particularly beneficial to anyone.  In fact, she believes such training is usually detrimental both to the trainee and to unsuspecting members of the public, particularly those wishing to receive the excellent alleviation of their needs.

Professor Marshmallow believes everyone in Nilkawt should be in training for something beneficial to humanity during every waking hour.  The Constitution of Nilkawt even states that all Nilkawtians are required to obtain a basic standard of usefulness before becoming full citizens.  At present, 78.62% of Nilkawtians are trainee novice citizens.

Fortunately, the training towards full citizenship currently includes matters such as health, hygiene, nutrition, first aid, culinary excellence, etiquette, safety, budgeting, elocution, basic home maintenance, organic gardening, energy efficiency, water management, hospitality, advanced psychology, history of art, English language proficiency in both its written and spoken forms, and a few rudimentary singing lessons.  Unfortunately, as most Nilkawtians are still in training, as are most non-Nilkawtian residents of Nilkawt, and due to the fact that many persons fail to turn up for the tutorials, full citizens of Nilkawt spend most of their time re-doing work incorrectly done by others.

Friday, 15 August 2014

Minister for Prosperity

Preventing poverty is extremely important in Nilkawt.  The Ample Sufficiency Agency, the Office of the Sub-Prime Minister, the Grand Chancellery of the Treasury, and the Salaries Review Board are all the responsibility of the Minister for Prosperity.  The minister is also responsible for the Ministry for Prosperity of course.

The Ministry for Prosperity provides excellent supervision of the interpersonal behaviour and personal behaviour expressed amongst the Nilkawtians and their visitors.  The current minister, Sister Fiona Frugal, does her best to ensure the head of the department, Doctor Mark Etting, does his job properly.

Sister Frugal believes that if everyone did there jobs properly, and tried to ensure their most senior subordinates did their jobs properly, all would be right in the world.  Sister Frugal believes her superior to be the Great Saviour of the Treasury, though it is not yet known if that personage supervises anyone.  At present, the Great Saviour of the Treasury cannot be seen or heard, or even perceived through the sense of smell.

Thursday, 14 August 2014

Minister for Agriculture

Food and fibre are very important to the people of Nilkawt.  The Ministry for Agriculture is therefore responsible for the management of the Yes Oui Cannery, providing gourmet French-style organic, vegan cuisine at a time of anyone's convenience.

The current minister, Groper Tait O'Sullivan, has been in the Nilkawtian horticulture business for many years.  He inherited the family farm from his father, also called Groper, but unfortunately there is no-one left in the family to take over the business.  Groper junior never married.  In fact, most female persons refuse to have anything to do with him, including his sister, Mrs Petunia Bedbug.

Mrs Bedbug works in the hospitality industry, as does her son, also named Groper. Her husband, Balmain Bedbug, left Nilkawt many years ago as he wanted to be a fisherman.  There is no aquaculture industry in Nilkawt and the sea is far too far away from the territory, as are any major rivers.  Please make a note of this information if you are currently seeking to visit Nilkawt.

Most aspects of agriculture in Nilkawt are supervised by the Environment Ministry, for reasons of sustainability.  No-one is currently supervising the hospitality industry, which is why Mrs Bedbug and her son are still in business.

Wednesday, 13 August 2014

Minister for Pleasant Weather

The Government of Nilkawt relies on both Nilkawtian and Australian sources for much of its climatological information.  This particularly applies to climatological information of the statistical sort but fortunately not for its climate policies.

The Nilkawtian Bureau of Meteorology (NBM) recently had its budget cut.  This was mainly due to the fact that the bureau usually relies on the Australian Bureau of Meteorology rather than the Nilkawtian Ministry for Pleasant Weather, for most of its forecasting.

Most of the staff of the NBM have had very little to do but gather statistics and play with charts of data for the past twelve hundred years.  As the data is now all collected and documented digitally, the only member of staff remaining at the NBM is the energetic part-time cleaner, Mrs Wendy Greenhouse.

For climate statistics, the NBM relies on all the Nilkawtian citizenry rather than just the BOM, CSIRO, and the totally inadequate NBN.  The citizens of Nilkawt certainly do not expect to rely on the  quite-likely-never-to-be-properly-built Nilkawtian Broadband Network.

Nilkawt's climate policies are formulated through the Nilkawtian Ministry for Pleasant Weather, with only very slight assistance from the current minister, Ms Sheila B. Wright.  The minister has stated that neither she nor her department are responsible for the current, practically non-existent and therefore ineffective Nilkawtian climate policies.  She advises everyone to blame it on the weather and the Australian government.

The Constitution of Nilkawt requires every Nilkawtian household to gather environmental statistics three times a day, just before mealtimes.  At the end of each month, citizens are required to send the statistics to the NBM for analytical and synthetical processing.  After the monthly statistics are processed, the results are produced as glorious, full-colour data charts and then beautifully printed and bound.

The finished monthly product is then gift-wrapped and sent to the Minister for Pleasant Weather by hot air balloon, even when the weather is exceedingly unpleasant.  For this reason, most of the local statistics required for the formulation of locally-relevant climatological policies, particularly those of some usefulness to future Nilkawtians, have been lost in transit.

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Local Government

Nilkawt has an extensive and sophisticated system of local government, which is just as well really. Administration is divided between the seven counties, as the principal districts of Nilkawt are known.

Local government in Nilkawt is where the people usually swear their allegiance to uphold all sorts of highly enlightened democratic principles, at least if they are enlightened themselves and never swear anywhere in a vulgar manner.

The Nilkawtians regularly celebrate the fact that Nilkawt is an elective constitutional monarchy.  They also find cause for celebration in the fact that a new Nilkawtian cabinet is appointed constitutionally at least every two years, through highly detailed procedures, most of which are the responsibility of an electoral college.

The Nilkawtian Electoral College consists of all the sitting or standing cabinet ministers, none of whom are eligible to sit or stand for any government position ever again at the end of their single term of office, even at the local level.  All ministerial positions in Nilkawt are held by members of the cabinet.

It is very fortunate, therefore, that each Nilkawtian county has its own local government structures and institutions.  These act independently on most matters on most occasions.

The County of State is the primary county, mainly due to the fact that Twaklinton, the capital city of Nilkawt, is situated there, as is the royal palace.  The other six counties are of secondary importance but of equal status, regardless of the qualities of the persons inhabiting them.  Those counties, in alphabetical order, are Austrooliana, Backoutshire, Cupateeunkaique, Dada, Elegantshire and Foolya.

The chief officer of each county is known as an earl or countess.  The position is only an honorary one and has no apparent duties attached to it, except for a presumption that the holder will at least provide temporary or permanent leadership upon assumption to the position.

Each chief officer is usually appointed by the head of state for a seven year term.  Candidates are selected from vast quantities of ethereal non-Nilkawtians.  This is in order to ensure holders of such exalted positions remain above politics, or at least above Nilkawtian politics. 

Most other governmental duties at the local level are performed by not-so-local public servants.  Those persons are appointed to the Roster of Competency for all the local areas, other than the ones they usually inhabit.  Inclusion on the roster is held for life, subject to reasonable limitations and absolute loyalty to the Nilkawtian Constitution.

The most competent public servants are highly valued and highly respected members of Nilkawtian society.  The least competent and/or most abusive ones are usually dismissed from their positions quite quickly to ensure efficiency and pleasantness can be maintained to the highest possible standard.

Complaints about the running of counties and government facilities are often the main topics of conversation, discussion and debate in the Parliament of Nilkawt.  Such topics are banned from discussion in the Government of Nilkawt.

Dismissals of incompetent or abusive public servants, at least at the local level, are performed regularly in accordance with the procedures implemented by the Hike Kawt Court of the Caught, after which refreshments are served.  Dismissal of incompetent or abusive members of parliaments and governments are performed even more regularly, hence Nilkawt has the highest standard of governance in the world.

Monday, 11 August 2014

Minister for Tolerance

Minister Drew C. Christie is currently in charge of the wide-ranging portfolio of the Nilkawtian Department for Tolerance.  As a transgender, asexual and apolitical hermaphrodite, the minister makes perfectly balanced decisions on every topic. 

It is of no concern to the minister, or of anyone else for that matter, that such an enlightened person would be born as neither male nor female and at the same time be both male and female.  Most well-informed people will therefore believe everyone has the right to be as nature intended them to be, at least in a physical sense, if that is how the individual in question chooses to continue their existence. 

The Department for Tolerance is mostly composed of persons with much better things to do than put other people into intolerable categories.  Even so, the Nilkawtian Constitution includes the right to believe in anything at all, however silly, but not the right to express ill-informed beliefs other than through works of fiction and/or as appropriate expressions of religion.

The minister is particularly responsible for ensuring religious and irreligious tolerance can be maintained in a proper place.  The Hall of Contested Fictions is therefore the only location in Nilkawt deemed appropriate for the public and community expression of any purportedly religious and/or ideological behaviour, including all forms of proselytism.  All other areas of Nilkawtian territory are out-of-bounds to such behaviours, thereby maintaining an adequate separation between the scientifically verifiable, secular state and threats to its existence.

Friday, 8 August 2014


Obtaining Nilkawtian citizenship is one of the highest honours any ordinary mortal can possibly expect to receive during an entire, average lifetime.  It is therefore a requirement for new citizens of Nilkawt, old citizens and all sorts of other citizens, to express an appropriate level of gratitude on a daily and hourly basis, at least when awake.

All full citizens of Nilkawt also remain full citizens of Australia, though very few full citizens of Australia will ever have the opportunity to be or become full citizens of Nilkawt.  Any Nilkawtian losing Australian citizenship will immediately lose Nilkawtian citizenship.  In view of this, it is necessary to ensure all citizens uphold the International Laws of Decency.

Full Nilkawtian citizenship is obviously quite difficult to obtain, particularly without extensive and intensive training. Some understanding of history is also quite useful.

The Ethereal Grand Duchy of Nilkawt came into theoretically conscious existence, under Eternal Law, in the Australian Financial Year of 2002-2003, at which time the Nilkawtian citizenry consisted only of enlightened beings of highly significant and influential, ethereal, historical stature.  The statutes and statues of Nilkawt were then imaginatively created in draft form by a democratically-elected panel of those new ethereal citizens. 

At the same time, technical grounds for just causes were developed for the foundations of a new, temporary, digital royal palace.  The original, preternatural, pre-21st century, ethereal non-digital, magnificently illuminated manuscript version of an old royal palace has therefore now been stripped of its tangible assets.  Its remaining creative possibilities have been sold off for commercial purposes by the Government of Nilkawt. 

The shell of the old palace has now been financially structured through a shell company and transformed into a facility for temporary residents.  A new, more permanent royal palace has recently been imaginatively constructed.  That palace, Palazzo Twaklinilkawt, is where the grand Nilkawtian citizenship ceremonies now take place, at 2.30 pm precisely on 1 July each year.  As Nilkawt keeps to the same Financial Year as Australia, this is very convenient indeed from a taxation point of view.

Ordinary mortals have only been able to become citizens of Nilkawt since 2009 and most are still finding their way around an unfamiliar environment.  This particularly applies in the case of the current Nilkawtian Foreign Minister.

If you are currently a Nilkawtian citizen and you are concerned about losing that status, please note that a little of the information to assist you is currently supplied by the Australian Government. 

Thursday, 7 August 2014

Bank of Nilkawt

The financial system of Nilkawt is the most secure in the world. It is a perfect balance of inputs and outputs, supervised in a celebratory fashion by a small coterie of friends who apparently run the central bank of Nilkawt whilst out on a golf course somewhere.  There are no golf courses in Nilkawt.

The bank itself is known both colloquially and officially as the Ethereal Bank.  Through the bank, all of Nilkawt's international philanthropy is expressed, as well as its numerous national interests.

The four friends who mainly run the bank are Mr Conman Commonwealth, Mr Watchout Westpac, Mr Nabbit Ennay-Bee, and Mr Moneybags A. Enzed.  They have kindly parked all of their surplus personal and family funds into the Ethereal Bank in lieu of salaries, hoping to obtain some very large bonuses for themselves by the end of this financial year.  

If you wish to place your savings somewhere safe, regardless of your current nationality, or the current currency at your disposal, or your possession of a personal safe at home, the Ethereal Bank welcomes any surplus funds you may wish to provide.  This will be subject to the usual terms and conditions concerning the minimum deposit and minimum balance.

The Ethereal Bank of Nilkawt is purely an investment bank.  It carries out no speculation.  It offers no loans.  It offers no financial advice.  Rates of interest are irrelevant to its operations as the bank mainly grows its wealth through Nilkawt's own currency exchange and second-hand goods market. 

At present, one Nilkawtian breath mark ('1), which is also known as the luftpause, is worth $1,000,000 Australian dollars.  The name of the currency derives from musical notation, for obvious reasons.

German persons of substantial means who are currently reminiscing about the Deutsche Mark may be especially keen to convert their surplus funds from euros to the Nilkawtian luftpause at the earliest opportunity.

A minimum deposit of '50 must remain in the account at all times.  This is to ensure that no fees or charges are withdrawn by the bank for no justifiable reason other than to pay large bonuses to the coterie.

Of possible interest to the world's banking community is the fact that the Nilkawtians are currently attempting to oust the four friends from their dominant monetary position.  Suitably qualified persons may therefore wish to gear up for a challenge, with or without the help of their friends.

Wednesday, 6 August 2014

Visa Types

For a first visit to Nilkawt, most applicants opt for the easiest visa to obtain, namely the four-hour Fleeting Visit Visa (FVV).  It is not advisable to apply for this visa if you are likely to arrive purportedly as part of a fishing or naval fleet.  Nilkawt is rather too far from the sea for that.

The FVV is currently available at bargain basement prices, at least for suitably qualified prospective visitors.  Anyone arriving at the Nilkawtian border with heavy luggage, or any luggage at all, will be viewed with suspicion. 

Even with the FVV, applicants will discover that the Nilkawtian Immigration and Broader Inspection staff are instructed to examine and interview all new arrivals through the proper international method.  This will be achieved under reliable global scrutiny, applying the same conditions as a television chat show.  All interviews will therefore subsequently be uploaded to YouTube.

As with any other Nilkawtian visa, anyone needing to ask the price is probably unlikely to be able to afford it.  And only full Australian citizens need apply.  Other nationalities must first obtain an Australian visa, then Australian citizenship, and then vote in state, federal and local elections over at least a ten year period.

The next category of visa is the Only a Visitor Visa (OVV).   This visa is for applicants wishing to sleep in Nilkawt, preferably not during an official guided tour of the royal palace.  The OVV usually lasts for 27.5 hours, no more than eleven of which should be spent in sleeping, dosing, or lazing around doing nothing in particular.

It is impossible to obtain any other visa to visit Nilkawt without first obtaining an FVV followed by an OVV.  This even applies to persons wishing to obtain a diplomatic visa, which in itself will not be acceptable for entry to Nilkawt, of course, but may be acceptable for gaining entry to relevant elegant functions here in the digital embassy.  Accreditation should therefore be in accordance with neighbourhood norms.

For Australian citizens, after entry to and departure from Nilkawt as temporary visitors, it is highly likely that such persons will desire to become temporary or even permanent residents.  The Government of Nilkawt therefore has full measures in place to respond to such ambitions.

An Inadequate Temporary Residency Visa (ITRV) requires its holder to stay at Mrs Bedbug's Boarding House in one of the shabbier and shadier parts of Nilkawtian territory, far away from any of the grand buildings, shops, restaurants, tourist attractions, medical facilities and job opportunities.  The fee for the ITRV includes the cost of drab accommodation, an insufficient breakfast, an occasional small sandwich for luncheon, and a tin of something-or-other for dinner. This will be supplied on a daily basis for up to a year on a help-yourself basis.

You may wish to note that Mrs Bedbug believes herself to be very fortunate to have obtained the ITRV contract after putting forward the lowest bid during the tender process.  She promises to welcome everyone with open arms and much tenderness, as does her very friendly though somewhat clumsy son, Groper Bedbug.

Please note that every holder of an ITRV will be personally responsible for all the cleaning and cleanliness they require; the shower facilities in Mrs Bedbug's establishment are communal and temperamental, and the toilet facilities are at the bottom of the garden.

For the same price as an ITRV, but without any included accommodation and catering, the next option is to upgrade to the Royal Residency Experience Visa (RREV).  This will entitle the recipient to stay within the grounds of the royal palace, at the centre of everything.  There will be an excellent range of accommodation, dining options, and artistic activities from which to choose, subject to the ability to pay in advance. 

In fact, all the RREV possibilities require applicants to pay very well in advance, and very well indeed.  Prior to obtaining this visa, applicants should also expect to be examined extensively and intensively by several suitably qualified medical, dental, sartorial and etiquette specialists.  Nilkawt wishes as many of its visitors as possible to be very well, very well dressed and very well mannered, but not necessarily very wealthy during and after a visit.

Please be advised that the wilder parts of the palace grounds are strictly out of bounds at all times, to ensure the safety and security of all RREV holders.

Before a RREV, ITRV, OVV or even an FVV will be issued, any unhealthy, scruffy or rude applicants, regardless of life expectancy, will be required to pay an additional charge.  This will cover the costs of all the health services of Nilkawt.  The invoice sent to present the charge will therefore include the detailed, forecast budget for the entire Nilkawtian population's health, medical and nutritional requirements over the next twenty-five years, with a statement indicating the percentage of the cost to be paid by the visa applicant. 

The last category of visa is for permanent Nilkawtian residency (PNRV).  Only persons willing to sit, stand or shuffle about in the corridors of power, as well as in the power backup room and the lower parlour in the Parliament of Nilkawt need apply.

If your main desire is to become a Nilkawtian citizen at some future date, it is advisable to acknowledge, in writing, that you are also willing, should that eventuality occur, to become a member of the upper parlour.  The Permanent Nilkawtian Residency Visa is therefore the highest immigration status any visitor usually wishes to attain.

As every citizen of Nilkawt is eligible for a place in the upper parlour of the Parliament of Nilkawt, such persons may also be nominated for a ministerial position in the cabinet, usually quite unexpectedly.   It should therefore be noted that once nominated and approved for a place at the head of a ministry, it is not possible for any candidate to refuse the position offered except by fleeing Nilkawt, with or without the assistance of a fleet.

Applicants for subsequent citizenship should be aware that no Nilkawtian citizen has ever been successful at claiming refugee status.  It is, perhaps, for this reason that so many persons around the world wish to experience life in Nilkawt for themselves yet fail to do so.

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

Minister for Brilliance

The Nilkawtian Minister for Brilliance, Ms Sue Perdupah, recently returned from an international conference on brilliance.  It was hosted in Adelaide by the Australian avant-garde alternative government.  All governments require a Minister for Brilliance, at least if a suitable personage is available to fill the position.

The purpose of the Nilkawtian Ministry for Brilliance is to ensure all forms of brilliance are easily acquired by any citizens of Nilkawt of adequate talent, even if they happen to be government ministers.

Ms Sue Perdupah claims to be one of Nilkawt's most innovative citizens.  She is the person who proposed that the Embassy of Nilkawt publish digital postings every weekday, at 9 o'clock in the morning, usually in accordance with the Nilkawtian and Adelaidean timezone.  She is also the one who decided that brilliance does not equate with gaudiness.

Some visitors to our digital embassy may find our presentations and decorations here to be rather too monochromatic at times, and therefore rarely flashy, trashy or dramatic.  Digital diplomacy is a serious activity for which Nilkawtians lead the world, hence our highly respected sobriety and propriety.

Even so, the Minister for Brilliance believes that flirting is a worthwhile political strategy with which to ascertain the trustworthiness of other persons.  It works far better than alcohol whenever matters of protocol require re-examination.

Of course, all flirting on official Nilkawtian business is strictly in accordance with protocol and the subtle limits of respectfulness, which is why no representative of Nilkawt would ever resort to sleaze.

Monday, 4 August 2014

Minister for Lawnless Order

It is well known in Nilkawt that there is no usefulness at all in any sort of sporting activity, hence the enlightened desire of Nilkawtians to avoid such practices, even when a lawn is not required.

The Nilkawtians are very pleased indeed that they have no need for any type of infrequently used sporting facility and can therefore use the saved expense for more useful and pleasant purposes.

The people of Nilkawt have never been interested in competitive sports or any other unnecessary exertions, particularly as there are plenty of proper footpaths and lovely public, private and community gardens to ensure the Nilkawtians are properly exercised. 

Unlike Australia, where proper footpaths are often deemed to be an unnecessary expense, the footpaths of Nilkawt are amongst the most beautiful in the world.  Nilkawtian gardens are obviously magnificent and never excessively pruned.

To ensure the continuation of peacefulness in Nilkawt, the Constitution permits no lawns, topiary, firearms, pets, livestock, children, audio-visual equipment, inappropriate digital devices, internal combustion engines, nasty stories, distasteful pictures, junk food or sporting equipment.

The Minister for Lawnless Order, Ms Lorna Lott, has responsibility for permitting permits to be issued for the importation of fake lawns, plastic shrubs, adorable soft toys and lovely story books.  She also has the power to banish from Nilkawt any persons who are yet to become full citizens of Nilkawt, but only if they have found it impossible to uphold the Laws of Lawnlessness.

Lawnless order is particularly important in Nilkawt due to its erratic supply of fresh water.  Banishment is often, therefore, a consequence of the use of irrigation equipment on fake lawns.

With no creatures with the urge to run about on an expanse of grass, or even to eat it, real lawns would be nothing but a nuisance to the Nilkawtians.  Ms Lott wishes it to be known that with nothing mown, there is rarely any need for Nilkawtians to moan. She also wishes it to be known that she is happily single and never flirts with anyone unless provoked.

The Constitution of Nilkawt states that all full citizens of Nilkawt must usually be over the age of 50 years.  The Constitution also states that all persons under the age of twenty-eight years are considered to be children.

Friday, 1 August 2014

Order of the Charter

It is very well known that as a sovereign nation and constitutional monarchy, Nilkawt provides its head of state with no more powers that any other head of state, including the British one and Australia's possibly two such persons/institutions (but probably none).  The very well-written constitution of Nilkawt mentions the Nilkawtian head of state in several of its sections, which is just as well.

Anything just as well is perfectly acceptable to the Nilkawtians.  This is why they allow their head of state the immense privilege of selecting persons to be recipients of the highest official honour in the land, namely as expressed in the insignia and regalia, and the processional opportunities and ceremonial privileges, of the Order of the Charter.  The Nilkawtians love resplendent ceremonies.

When a new head of state is crowned, all previous recipients of the Order of the Charter are required, under the Nilkawtian Constitution, to return the relevant pompoms, gowns, capes and baubles for recycling, though they are permitted to keep the hats.  This traditional procedure is performed during the Pomp of the Pompoms part of the coronation ceremony, after which the formerly honoured persons are required to put on some frilly aprons, take off their dignified hats and put on silly bonnets, and then serve tea, sandwiches and cake to all the other guests.  The Nilkawtians always know how to deal with hubris.

The charter in question is a precious document.  It provides the only known history of the Order.  However, it may all have been a work of fiction in the dim and distant past and no-one has yet bothered to check if there is any other documentary evidence to prove the facts one way or another.  In any case, this will not matter due to the fact that the Constitution of Nilkawt is an eternally binding document, even though its binding is currently in need of some maintenance.

New recipients of the Order of the Charter become the main advisers to Her Illustrious Highness the Ethereal Grand Duchess.  Quite reasonably, therefore, the Nilkawtian head of state ignores advice from the Government of Nilkawt, and all other governments, on most occasions.

Since the most recent coronation ceremony, only one person has yet become a new member of the Order of the Charter, namely Her Excellency, Madam Magda Carter. The maximum number of members permitted is seven.  The minimum is zero.  It is very fortunate indeed, therefore, that the Constitution of Nilkawt strictly limits the powers of the head of state.