Thursday, 31 July 2014

Royal Palace Tour

Most non-Nilkawtians desire to visit Nilkawt for only one reason, namely to participate in a tour of the royal palace.  Apart from the Nilkawtians themselves, only Australian citizens are currently eligible to enter Nilkawt.

Whether as Nilkawtians or Australians, all persons wishing to (re)enter Nilkawt are examined thoroughly prior to gaining (re)entry.  This is to ensure they have excellent skills in the English language, good table manners and an acceptable standard of hygiene. Bad habits are so easy to pick up nowadays.  In fact, there is a pandemic of such unfortunate experiences.

The royal palace, Palazzo Twaklinilkawt, is not particularly large.  Crowds are deemed to be an avoidable annoyance to Her Illustrious Highness the Ethereal Grand Duchess. 

In view of this, only persons with the ability to contribute substantially to the improvement of the Nilkawtian economy, through the purchase of visas, entry tickets for the palace, tickets for the tour, exclusive mementos, exquisite refreshments and beautiful souvenir slippers, will be eligible to join the tour.

Advanced bookings are recommended.  Ticket prices for the tour, in Australian dollars, at current currency exchange rates, start at:

  • $100,000 for an Australian self funded retiree, 
  • $100,010 for an Australian old age full pensioner, 
  • $100,012 for an Australian person with disabilities likely to require modifications to the palace, 
  • $100,101 for an Australian old age part pensioner, 
  • $100,111 for an Australian mature aged university student over the age of 45, 
  • $1,000,000 for any other Australian person over the age of 45 not accounted for in the above categories, 
  • $1,100,000 for a relatively poor Australian person aged between 34 and 44, 
  • $4,000,000 for an Australian celebrity aged between 34 and 44, and 
  • $5,100,011 for any other Australian person, except those under the age of 28 years as they are deemed too immature to express adequate appreciation of the tour and will therefore not be admitted to the palace grounds. 

All prices quoted above are for the low season only.  Please also consider making a substantial donation to Her Illustrious Highness's philanthropic funds.

Tours last one hour.  Photography, other forms of recording, including sketching and note keeping, are strictly prohibited.  Digital devices will not just be required to be switched off for the duration of the tour.  They will be confiscated upon entry to Nilkawt and only returned upon payment of a small token fee, currently equivalent to $8,000,000.

Obese visitors should note that they will be required to pay the additional $24,000,000 Circumference Levy.  This will be used to cover the costs of additional engineering works to the palace chairs, toilets, doorways and floors.  Such a reasonable requirement will ensure the comfort and safety of all residents, visitors and servants.

Visitors are also reminded that smoking is a capital offence in Nilkawt, just as it is in every other society.  Possession of tobacco products, even if only consisting of residual yellow stains on the teeth and/or fingers, will require the compulsory removal of one lung and the larynx by a reasonably experienced surgeon, well before the tour commences.  Please ensure you have a credit card handy, with no upper limit.

Tours are timed to commence at 4am, 7am, 1.43pm, 2.27pm, 2.58pm and 9.32pm.  Each will be conducted only in the English language, with clear diction, great courtesy and an immense knowledge of history.  It should also be noted that the size of each tour group is limited to 24 persons. 

All tour guides are fully qualified to answer questions without referring to their notes.  Most tour guides are also able to navigate around the palace without getting lost, though no guarantee for this can be made.

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Cabinet and Government

The government of Nilkawt usually and unusually consists of all the cabinet members, all the ambassadors, and all the domestic servants in the royal household and Nilkawtian embassies.  It should also be noted that all of the domestic servants are also appointed to the secret services of Nilkawt upon acceptance of their first, quite menial positions.  This obviously ensures the openness of the government.

All ambassadorial and domestic/secret service positions are filled by Nilkawtian volunteers.  They are provided with the basic comforts of life, in keeping with their demonstrated abilities, until forced to retire.  Their retirements usually only occur when they reach an unacceptable level of incompetence at even the most menial of tasks.

Upon retirement, the ambassadorial and domestic/secret servants may choose to live in great splendour and at great public expense in a village custom-designed for their dotage.  Anyone seeking to fill in the form to become a Nilkawtian volunteer should note that after doing so it is almost impossible to retire and even more difficult to resign.  This helps the government to balance its budget every year.

Cabinet members, upon being relieved of their duties, are usually very relieved.  This in itself is all the reward they usually seek.

Ministers do not receive salaries during their ministerial service, or pensions afterwards, though they may claim for expenses relating to their upkeep whilst performing their duties.  This usually means that ministers with very little wealth prior to their appointment tend to spend most of their ministerial time filling in expenses claims rather than performing the duties for which they were elected.

Tuesday, 29 July 2014


Whenever elections are to be held in Nilkawt, there is an official public holiday held, with great celebrations, as soon as the formal announcement is made.  Unlike other electoral systems around the world, except, perhaps, for the sort of similar one in the Vatican, only serving cabinet ministers are eligible to vote.

In Nilkawt, all Nilkawtians, except for cabinet ministers, ambassadors, and all the domestic servants of the royal household and Nilkawtian embassies, are already semi-permanent members of the Nilkawtian parliament.  The parliamentarians may choose to turn up for parliamentary sessions, or not, as they see fit.

The main duty of the cabinet, rather than the parliament, during elections, is to choose unsuspecting successors for cabinet positions.  The successful successors are then dismissed from parliament temporarily and are subsequently required to join the cabinet, regardless of whether they wish to do so or not.

Only parliamentarians not nominating for particular cabinet positions, or any cabinet positions at all, are eligible to become government ministers.  This means that Nilkawt happily avoids the miseries of other societies.  In most societies, career politicians frequently become a nuisance.

Most Nilkawtians, having no desire at all to serve in a government, use the opportunity of the public holiday to hide themselves away somewhere.   Many wish to keep a low profile until well after the votes are counted.  This is rarely possible if they are known to have raised their profile in parliament, society or the media in the past.

The Constitution of Nilkawt states that the formal announcements of the elections shall be held in the Thrown Room of the royal palace at 3pm on the second Thursday in May in the year after a leap year, and on the third Wednesday in May in every other year, regardless of the weather.  The public holiday then begins immediately and lasts for exactly three weeks, three hours and three minutes.

Although the formal announcements are made every year, the elections themselves are held every two years, on the last day of September, with the votes counted on the same evening.  Everyone loves an excuse for a public holiday but some people have a strange aversion to elections.

Monday, 28 July 2014

Minister for Arts and Sciences

As none of the Nilkawtian government ministers are permitted to enter any parliamentary chambers in Nilkawt during their terms of office, they usually hold their meetings in or near one of the beautiful cabinets within the royal palace.  And unlike other nations, the Nilkawtians have decided that their Minister for Arts and Science should be the unofficial leader of the Government of Nilkawt, at least when cabinet meetings are constitutionally required to be held. 

Unfortunately, most ministers are unable to attend most cabinet meetings, for a wide variety of reasons, which is why the current Minister for Arts and Sciences, Mr Rollo Polo, usually cancels each meeting after five minutes and then proceeds to eat all of the food supplied.  The Minister for Arts and Sciences is therefore one of the few obese personages within Nilkawt.

All other Nilkawtians have been properly trained in the art and science of nutritional excellence, healthy moderation and the suitable sharing of foodstuffs, but the minister missed those lessons due to being stuck in a cabinet and stuffing his mouth full of sandwiches.

Along with the other obese members of the public, Mr Rollo Polo tried to apply for the position of Enlightenment Minister, forgetting, of course, that the Constitution of Nilkawt strictly forbids anyone from applying for, nominating for, hinting about or buying ministry positions.

Mr Rollo Polo knows very little indeed about the arts and sciences, but at least he says he is willing to learn about such matters, particularly from the catering staff in the royal palace.

Friday, 25 July 2014

Minister for Courtesy and Moral Philosophy

The Nilkawtian Minister for Courtesy and Moral Philosophy, Auntie Daphne Tea-Cosy, is responsible for all of the activities known, in other societies, as policing and security.  All police officers in Nilkawt are known as aunty something or other.  The Deputy Minister and Chief of Polite Policing is Auntie Cynthia Biscuit, for example.

There are no gender biases involved, however.  Even someone wishing to be known by the name of Aunty Jack is welcome to apply to become a polite policing officer in Nilkawt, if suitably qualified.  Full training is provided, as well as a lovely selection of uniforms and disguises, a delightful mode of transport and a fully equipped tea tray.

Thursday, 24 July 2014

Minister for Immigration and Broader Inspection

Every year, thousands of unacceptable visa applications are received by the Nilkawtian Department of Immigration and Broader Inspection.  When the rare acceptable application is received, there is great rejoicing, not just in the department itself but throughout Nilkawt.

The Minister, Sister Shun Loxemup, sees herself primarily as the abbess of the secular yet secluded and enclosed Order of the Perpetual Wait at the Abbey of Needle's Eye.  Sister Shun is currently attempting to persuade prospective visitors to Nilkawt of the blessings to be obtained once they have undergone the arduous and absolutely required admission procedures.

Sister Shun is keen to ensure that a strict observance of the visa requirements is maintained, even though more than a few frustrated applicants, and even a few million frustrated applicants, feel trapped by their unfortunate situations.  As an act of mercy, therefore, the Government of Nilkawt has recently opened this digital embassy in order to ease the pressures on the overworked, frequently disappointed and dismally disillusioned staff at the Department of Immigration and Broader Inspection.

Should you wish to obtain a visa to visit Nilkawt, and even to reside in its territory, please apply here.  Sister Shun prays that you are able to distinguish between a petulant applicant, a penitent one, a pestilent and a postulant.

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

Enlightenment Minister

The Nilkawtian Ministry of Enlightenment is currently seeking a suitably qualified, keen, clean and competent candidate to fill the excellently fulfilling position of Enlightenment Minister.  Unfortunately, the only candidates so far presenting themselves for consideration are known to overfill their chairs, clothes and stomachs rather distastefully and are therefore deemed unsuitable.

The people of Nilkawt require enlightenment just as much as people elsewhere in the world.  Unlike most other populations, the Nilkawtians consider their desire for enlightenment to be of great urgency.  They want enlightenment and they want it now.

The Government of Nilkawt is at a loss as to what to do about the situation.   Without an enlightenment minister there is no real point in having an education minister, a science minister or a health minister.

Only full citizens of Nilkawt are eligible for ministry positions.  Persons unable to distinguish between a ministry position and a missionary position will be deemed ineligible, for obvious reasons.

Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Minister for Energy, Upkeep and Equal Opportunities

The Nilkawtian Minister for Energy, Upkeep and Equal Opportunities, Doctor Wanda Wye, is responsible for many essential services.  These include the maintenance of the national bio-gas emergency electricity backup generator and the cleanliness of all the solar panels installed throughout Nilkawt for the production of hygienic electricity during daylight hours.

Doctor Wye also has responsibility for the health and aesthetic attributes of the whirling mechanisms used for generating electricity during windy weather, by day and by night.  Her main duty is to ensure everyone has an equal opportunity to receive the energy they require for enlightened living.

Nilkawt is more than self-sufficient in energy at present.  The maintenance processes for the current systems of generation are excellently efficient.  There is no need for the Nilkawtians to import their electricity or gas from elsewhere, and they only very rarely have any use at all for petrochemical products.

Additional responsibilities under this portfolio include the maintenance of proper footpaths and proper bicycle, tricycle and electric scooter tracks, and public squares, public lavatories, public libraries, public picnic areas, outdoor seating areas, plus waste collection and recycling services, for obvious reasons.

The upkeep industry is also one of Nilkawt's main sources of employment.  Upkeep is considered by the Nilkawtians to be the primary essential service for any society.

Doctor Wye is far too busy to tell anyone much about herself at present. She is changing the washer in a dripping tap.

Monday, 21 July 2014

Head of State

No-one directly or indirectly seeking positions of political responsibility over the Nilkawtian people and/or territory will ever be considered suitable for any position of responsibility within Nilkawt.  The current head of state, Her Illustrious Highness the Ethereal Grand Duchess of Nilkawt, Twaklin I, was therefore considered by the Nilkawtians to be the only suitable candidate to take over the position upon the abdication of the previous incumbent.

Choosing a head of state is always easy for the Nilkawtians, as long as a suitable candidate exists.  Only ethereal personages of the highest social standing are eligible for the position, in accordance with the Nilkawtian Constitution.  This makes it impossible for mortal beings to usurp powers for which they are unqualified.

The Constitution of Nilkawt requires that "no mortal personage with Nilkawtian citizenship shall remain a Nilkawtian citizen unless fully committed to upholding this Constitution".    The Constitution also states that "no currently mortal individual shall ever be considered to be immortal by any Nilkawtian, regardless of the views of any non-Nilkawtian on such matters".

Fortunately, the Constitution also ensures no unqualified ethereal persons may accede to the throne of Nilkawt.  Only persons with prior responsibilities over a Nilkawtian county can ever be eligible. 

Her Illustrious Highness, Twaklin I, was often considered, before her enthronement, to be the pre-eminent ethereal blog-pamphleteer of the 21st century Enlightenment.  In that capacity, Her Illustrious Highness was initially appointed as the ethereal countess of the Nilkawtian territory of Dada, even though the good lady had never visited any Nilkawtian territory previously at all.

Should you wish to invite the current Nilkawtian head of state to tea, a formal introduction is usually required beforehand.  Please do not make an impertinent request to join the Royal and Noble Coterie of Her Illustrious Highness unless you are already widely known to be illustrious yourself.

Upon meeting, protocol will require you to state how you are creating world peace at present, how you are contributing to the 21st century Enlightenment and beauty, understanding and magnificence, and how you are making the world far better than it would be without you.  This conversational ability will be expected regardless of whether you are illustrious or not.  Please ensure you express yourself with ease.  All that is essentially required is that you are not considered to be ridiculous.

Wherever Her Illustrious Highness may be, and whatever activities she pursues, her duties are always expressed in a digitally dignified and courteous manner.  In her ongoing daily activities, Her Illustrious Highness is mostly occupied, as usual, with enlightening humanity.  This is primarily achieved through continuing in the capacity of chief executive officer on behalf of the International Training Centre for the Harmonious Interplay of Beauty, Understanding and Magnificence.

Whether in Nilkawt, or Adelaide, or anywhere else around the globe in which the training centre has influence, the articulation of enlightened democracy and elegant decorum are amongst the priorities of Her Illustrious Highness.  As Muse of the World, she continues to be the proprietor of Australia's finest and most enlightened news service.  This is mainly to ensure the non-Nilkawtian and no-longer-Australian Marquis de Tabloid cannot gain additional powers over the lives and minds of Australians, Nilkawtians, or anyone else for that matter.

Former responsibilities of Her Illustrious Highness have included being the inaugural editor-in-chief of the news service's highly esteemed primary publication, Adelaide Adagia.  As you can imagine, Her Illustrious Highness, Twaklin I, Ethereal Grand Duchess of Nilkawt and Muse of the World, is always a busy personage and not at all interested in petty trivialities.

Her Illustrious Highness is, therefore, also continuing her suitably important activities as an opera composer, an arts and culture critic, a non-belligerent advocate of world peace, and as the global campaign manager for the politically elegant and exceedingly relevant Mozarty Party.  You may wish to send some political or musical notes to Mozarty Party's global campaign headquarters in the music room of Villa Twaklinilkawt in Adelaide.

The villa happens to be the official non-Nilkawtian residence of Her Illustrious Highness, though she is usually to be found in her main Nilkawtian official royal residence of Palazzo Twaklinilkawt nowadays.  In fact, this digital embassy is situated in the annex of Villa Twaklinilkawt.

Should you wish to become better informed about Her Illustrious Highness's personal and political opinions and activities, her official announcements are occasionally recorded on Facebook and Twitter and in Lord Google's establishment.

Friday, 18 July 2014

Environment Minister

His Sustainableness The Viscount Twaklinton has recently been appointed as the eminent though not particularly prominent Environment Minister for Nilkawt and Planet Earth.  He can usually be found mulching his organic vegetable gardens, recycling grey water after his royal palace ablutions, munching on the products of the palace orchards, and quietly campaigning for the abolition of scientific ignorance amongst the politicians of Nilkawt and other nations, particularly Australia.

The viscount receives no public funds for his efforts.  Nor does he receive any funds from any inherited duchies, expensively maintained charities or wealthy associates.  The viscount holds no shares in any public listed companies or even privately operated ones.  He is not a beneficiary of any family trusts, charitable trusts or mining royalties.

His Sustainableness has been responsible for the strictly enforced banning of all internal combustion engines within Nilkawtian territories, counties and communities.  He has also encouraged the widespread growing of beans, peas, lentils and cabbages in Nilkawt, leading to the global renown the nation receives for its industrial-scale generation of biogas, its elegant composting toilets and its excellent vegetarian casseroles.

Viscount Twaklinton supervises all security measures for the Crown Joules of Nilkawt, including the magnificent gigawatt orb and the spectacular solar sceptre, both of which he stores in a secret, former septic tank, well out of reach of all scientifically-illiterate climate, climb-it and climb-into-it skeptics. The crown itself is carefully stored in a plastic box in a salinated well, which is just as well.

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Parliament of Nilkawt

It is yet to be established whether the Parliament of Nilkawt has only two chambers, or three or four, or even more.  Officially it consists of a lower parlour, the Parlour for Visitors, and an upper parlour, the Parlour for Nilkawtians. 

The Parlour for Visitors is one of the world's most democratic institutions, mainly due to the fact that, in many respects, it is an exact replica of the Parlour Meant for You.  The Parlour for Visitors and the Parlour Meant for You happen to be where enlightened democracy is directly and deliciously demonstrated on a daily, participatory basis.

Both locations are inclusive, though the Parlour Meant for Visitors can only be visited by visitors and other non-citizens of Nilkawt, subject to their ability to obtain visas to Nilkawtian territory.  The Parlour Meant for You, on the other hand, being outside Nilkawtian territory, is rather more inclusive.

The Parlour for Nilkawtians, also known as the Parlour Meant for Nilkawtians, is another type of institution entirely.  In fact, no-one is permitted to type anything about that institution without the very clearly expressed permission of the Nilkawtian Head of State.

Semi-officially, the Thrown Room in the royal palace is also part of the Parliament of Nilkawt.  The Thrown Room is where the Head of State decides whether official documents should be placed in the Nilkawtian State Archives or thrown into the recycling bin.

Unofficially, there is an additional chamber of the Parliament of Nilkawt, namely the Hike Kawt Court of the Caught.  The Hike Kawt has exclusive Constitutional jurisdiction regarding the powers required to banish any person, other than the Head of State, from all the private, public and parliamentary parlours of Nilkawt.

No-one has the power to banish the head of state from anywhere, which is why Her Illustrious Highness is often considered to be ubiquitous.

Wednesday, 16 July 2014

Entry Requirements

It is almost impossible for an ordinary mortal to obtain a visa to visit Nilkawt.  Even so, each year thousands of hopefuls make the trek to the possible vicinities of our worldwide embassies, in the slight chance that they may gain entry to any of the relevant locations.

For some applicants, the initial problem lies in the fact that their Internet browsers need updating.  Other applicants have been known to have no access to the Internet at all.  Perhaps they are unaware that administrative communication by enlightened governments and other excellent institutions nowadays is usually digital.

Another situation frequently encountered by embassy staff is that the wrong sort of people have a tendency to turn up.  This is a common problem in the world today, especially when invitations have not been officially provided beforehand.

A very serious difficulty lies in the fact that many applicants are in the habit of telling lies on application forms.  For the embassy staff, this is usually resolved by ensuring our physical embassies are never open to the public.  The physical locations of Nilkawtian diplomatic entities also tend to change at very short notice.

Through the process of constant relocation, all current Nilkawtian embassies and ambassadors, except for this digital one, remain top secret.  They are mainly used for intelligence purposes.

The current physical embassy in Adelaide, for example, is only usually entered by one or two unauthorised individuals seeking a shortcut to a garden shed. 

Prospective visitors to Nilkawt should also note that several embassy staff, in several Nilkawtian embassies, have probably obtained their current positions by telling lies on their application forms.  In view of this, the Government of Nilkawt always endeavours to seek pertinent additional information from the Nilkawtian public, and the global public, regarding all aspects of the truth.

To visit Nilkawt in person, please ensure you have first managed to obtain Australian citizenship in a legal, fair, internationally recognised manner.  Then try to locate Adelaide on a map as that is where all the permanent, hardworking, honest and conscientious Nilkawtian embassy staff are usually situated.

It is strongly advised never to knock on the physical door without an appointment, unless you are a serving member of either the South Australian Police service or the Australian Federal Police service.  Even then, you will not gain entry unless your charming manner and delightful documentation warrants it.

DO NOT send your passport to any Nilkawtian embassy as that will only cause amusement amongst the junior staff.  DO NOT send any money unless you have a large surplus of funds requiring a more suitable home than your usual financial institution. Although the fully state-owned Nilkawtian banking system is the most secure and reliable in the world, it is certainly not secretive or greedy.

PLEASE ENSURE YOU READ all the fine print, and all the finest non-printed news and views obtainable about the physical location of this digital embassy.  And do at least try to behave as though you are able to understand, speak, write and interpret the English language well enough to fill in all the relevant forms as required, particularly the first one.

Have you located Nilkawt on a map yet?

Tuesday, 15 July 2014

Prime Minister

Nilkawt rarely has a prime minister but frequently has a sub-prime minister.  The sub-prime minister usually also holds the position of Great Saviour of the Treasury and is usually known by that title.

Most of the irrelevant, usual functions of a prime minister are quite easily handled by the Government of Nilkawt's public relations department, which is mainly staffed by graduates of Nilkawt's National School of Acting and Effective Action.

There is nothing else to be said about the duties of a prime minister or sub-prime minister, really.  Please note that the Great Saviour of the Treasury is usually referred to as the GST.

Monday, 14 July 2014


The Attorney-General of Nilkawt is Ms Kali Pathi-Pathos, who was born and raised in Scotland.  Ms Pathi-Pathos studied Scots and maritime law in Edinburgh before finishing her studies in international law at the Carbonne d'Occide Law and Finishing School at the very private and exclusive Minquiers University in the Channel Islands.

Ms Pathi-Pathos is a keen amateur genealogist and a keen amateur climatologist.  She is also a keen, prolific, professional, part-time author.  Her pen name of Milson Broome has become famous for a cheap and abundant series of repetitive, romantic novelettes about a woman called Victoria and a man called Hugo.

Although Ms Pathi-Pathos has never married, she enjoys flirting with unattached male attorney-generals and military generals from various other nations whenever time permits.  She uses such experiences in her writings.  Ms Pathi-Pathos also likes to sing pop music whenever the possibility arises.  Most people therefore believe her first name to be Kylie, until she proves them wrong.

As Attorney-General of Nilkawt, Ms Pathi-Pathos brings an extensive knowledge of western and eastern cultures and legal systems to the portfolio.  She is assisted in her work by Ms Yin and Mr Yang, both specialists in such matters.  She is also assisted by the Assistant Attorney-General of Nilkawt, Mr Ganesha Shiva Jones; by her personal assistant, Dave Suleiman Ibn Dawoud; by her hairdresser, Frankie Pope, and by her iconic dressmaker and stylist, Chelsy Chalcedon.

Ms Pathi-Pathos would also like it to be known that she has received a great deal of assistance in her career from her parents, Doctor Christina Santina Pathi-Agastya, a civil engineer from Glasgow and Doctor Krishna Sachin Pathosphilosophos, a physicist from Dundee.  She has received no help at all from her brother Simon, who is really of no help to anyone but himself.

Friday, 11 July 2014

Defence Minister

Mrs Jane Grange is the Nilkawtian Defence Minister, an avid coffee consumer, and the wife of Doctor Henley Grange, the Nilkawtian Foreign Minister.

Mrs Grange was formerly the manager of a very large Australian abattoir.  She is the current heir to a vast Australian cattle, sheep, camel, goat, crocodile, asylum seeker and wine exporting business.  She is a sharp shooter, a sharp dresser and a sharp talker.  Mrs Grange is also a noted mining industry expert.

In her spare time, Mrs Grange enjoys adding to her already large collection of stolen songlines.  As a part-time rock vocalist in Australian hotels, national parks and mining locations, Mrs Grange has been known to attack notes and complaints quite severely.

Regardless of what she happens to be wearing, and where she happens to be in the world, Mrs Grange insists that she takes her duties as Nilkawt's Defence Minister very seriously indeed.  She insists on being called Mrs rather than Ms, mainly due to the fact that the latter reminds her too much of mosquitoes.   In all circumstances relating to religious matters, Mrs Grange insists on being referred to as Mr Grange or Great Goddess.

Recent investigations by an Australian citizen-journalist have required Mrs Grange to lower her profile, her hemline and the heels of her shoes.  However, she refuses to compromise on her neckline and waistline.

Mrs Grange never co-operates with television and radio journalists with line in the titles of their broadcasts.  Nor will Mrs Grange accept invitations to be interviewed by apologists for misogynists and other strange bigots.

It is no secret to the Nilkawtians that Doctor and Mrs Grange have rarely been seen in public together, or even separately, in the past few months.  There has been no indication from the couple that they have officially separated.

There has, however, been some speculation that Mrs Grange is an undercover, belligerent double agent in the Abbott War on the Arts and Atmosphere.  The Government of Nilkawt refuses to acknowledge, confirm or deny such gossip.  All further requests for information on this subject should be referred to the Australian Commonwealth Attorney-General or someone associated with his minor department.

Thursday, 10 July 2014

Foreign Minister

The current Foreign Minister of Nilkawt, Doctor Henley Grange, is the resident hermit in the wilder parts of the royal palace grounds in Twaklinton, the national capital of Nilkawt.  He is an impatient, irascible and unsociable personage and hence rarely leaves his hermitage.  This makes him perfectly suited to his international duties regarding world peace and global prosperity.

Doctor Grange was formerly and formally a leading scientist at a once world-renowned Australian research institution.  His major scientific breakthrough, into the political benefits and detrimental personal effects of vineyards and their products, received widespread but unacknowledged media coverage throughout the world.  This led to the serious emotional breakdown Doctor Grange refuses to acknowledge, regardless of all the help and sympathy he has been offered by the reigning Head of State of Nilkawt, both in person and by referral.

Doctor Grange is a teetotaler.  Neither does he drink tea.  He is also a militant vegan and a lapsed Taoist.  He currently aspires to be a Jain.  In the warmer months, Doctor Grange is already notably clothed in the sky

Doctor Grange believes all foreign matters and foreign objects should be directed towards his wife, Jane, who is often to be found in the corridors and cafeterias of power in and around Canberra, Geneva and New York.  It should be noted that Mrs Grange is perfectly capable of looking after herself, with the assistance of her very well paid legal team.

Wednesday, 9 July 2014


Her Excellency, Madam Magda Carter, is the Nilkawtian Ambassador to the Digital Sphere and Head of Protocol of the Government of Nilkawt.

Madam Carter has had a long career in the hotels, restaurants, museums, beachside boutiques, adaptable function rooms, conference halls and global picnic fields of international relations.  As our Chief of Mission to shining screens and human minds everywhere, Madam Carter brings peace on earth and goodwill to all pleasant ladies, gracious transgender persons, mild-mannered gentlemen, courteous adolescents, well-behaved children and all sorts of other benign creatures.

As the primary diplomatic representative of Nilkawt to the world, Madam Carter is perfectly capable of protecting the interests of her fellow Nilkawtians.  She also knows how to be very nice indeed to polite foreigners, even if they happen to be Australians.

Madam Carter is a highly experienced negotiator.  She is particularly keen to ensure friendly relationships are always maintained with absolute decorum.  This is mostly achieved over tea and cake in the parlour meant for you.

Whenever unfriendly activities occur in diplomatic circles, Madam Carter is eager to ensure the culprits are well aware of the displeasure caused.  All forms of rudeness are deeply distressing to our Head of State, Her Illustrious Highness, Twaklin I, Ethereal Grand Duchess of Nilkawt.

In view of the above, the duties of Madam Carter primarily relate to cultural and scientific pursuits rather than economic and commercial ones.  This digital embassy therefore provides enlightened guidance for the training and education of all persons in all societies.

Should your desires be mainly of an economic nature, and even involve the sordid pursuits of commerce, please take the back door route to the service wing for further information about the ethereal economy of Nilkawt.

Tuesday, 1 July 2014

Grand Opening

Greetings to all peaceful persons of the world,

The inhabitants of Nilkawt welcome you to their new official diplomatic presence.

As any sovereign nation state requires only one digital embassy for the entire world, we are very pleased to be able to introduce you to ours.

If you have any questions at all about Nilkawt and its people, please provide them as appropriately as possible on the formal form.

If you are a representative of a nation state yourself, especially an enlightened nation state, please present your credentials to our head of state in the most suitable manner.