Friday, 28 August 2015

Cell-Fee Building

The new cell-fee building is to be twelve storeys high and two kilometres long, with an enclosed Bridge of Spies between its fifth storey and the Hike Kawt Court of the Caught.  Apart from relatively wealthy prisoners, it is possible that tourists may also gain permission to book accommodation on the lower floors of the cell-fee building, subject to availability, as may former members of religious orders wishing to experience reformed, reforming and reformatory conditions.

The current low-budget tourist accommodation in the old royal palace is scheduled to be upgraded shortly and therefore is no longer likely to be affordable to visitors on a low budget.  The former cells in the dungeons of the old palace are also likely to be upgraded into luxurious, themed suites.

Each cell in the cell-fee building will be self contained.  It will have:

  •  a basic but reasonably comfortable single bed, 
  • a small, cold-water sink and 
  • an electric toilet with a built-in, warm water bidet and energy efficient waste disposal unit.  
All the absolutely necessary solutions for sleep and ablutions will be included.  There will be no luxuries, at least from a middle-class, western perspective.

All surfaces will be in white and neutral tones.  Towels, flannels and bed linen will be supplied, along with unscented toiletries and unscented cleaning products.  All rooms will be sound proofed, simple and sensible.  There will be no contact with the outside world, except through fresh air vents and the natural light available through small, unbreakable, mottled windows.

Crockery and cutlery will be supplied.  Fresh food will be delivered twice weekly through an electronic serving hatch, along with longer lasting food items and necessary medications.  A small, chilled box will be provided for any food items requiring it.

Clothing will match the decor of the room, simply and neatly.  No bad habits will be permitted.

Low-energy light globes, a large desk, an office chair and a small, suitably stocked bookcase will also be supplied, as well as note paper, pens, pencils and a pencil sharpener.

Please note that extroverted prisoners are likely to find the conditions unbearable.  This is especially likely to be the case if they have previously experienced solitary confinement or visited a library.

Please note that personal electronic devices will not be permitted in the cell-fee building under any circumstances.  Nothing will be allowed to interfere with the work of the automatons employed in supervisory and service positions.

Introverted prisoners will be required to do day-release work in highly sociable, highly supervised environments whilst wearing silly costumes and being forced to smile incessantly.  Their shifts will last up to fifteen hours, seven days a week, with only a five-minute break, three times a day, for essential purposes.  Anyone familiar with casual work in Australia will understand the requirements.

Prisoners unwilling or unable to pay for a cell will immediately be transported to Australia, possibly to be banished forever from Nilkawt.

Introverted visitors are likely to consider a cell in the cell-fee building to be bliss.  There is already a long waiting list of persons wishing to book a cell in order to write a novel or their memoirs or an academic thesis or a scientific paper or a judicial decision or an Australian government report.  

The only difference between prisoners and guests is that the guests will have less supervision and the ability to leave the building at any time of their own choosing, regardless of the characteristics of their personalities.  Re-entry is permitted only between the hours of 6pm and 8pm.

Meal delivery services to cells, as well as waste collection from cells, will be made by robotic, yellow baby elephants.  They will be wearing roller skates on their hind legs and pushing pretty floral food trolleys methodically with their raised forelegs.   They will be wearing pink gingham pinafores and serving the food through electronic hatches with their trunks. 

Please note that the food supplied will usually be unprocessed.  For reasons of health and safety, prisoners and guests will not be provided with any ready meals or fried foods or spicy foods.  They may, for an additional fee, be supplied with a microwave oven and a potato peeler.