Monday, 11 April 2016

Dada School of Management

Anyone seeking a non-traditional approach to successful management practices would be well advised to register that interest as soon as possible through the Dada School of Management.

Places on the exciting and innovative courses are strictly limited and usually fully booked.  This especially applies when those courses are to be held in Dada itself or in Twaklinton or Elegantshire or Boston or New York or Zurich or London or Berlin or Vienna or Panama or Jersey or Singapore or Hong Kong or Davos or Tokyo or the British Virgin Islands or the Cayman Islands or Sydney or Melbourne or Adelaide, or in a magnificent schloss overlooking the Rhine or in a grand baronial castle above a Scottish loch or in an elegant chรขteau surrounded by formal gardens and French vineyards, or in a beautiful villa overlooking Lake Como or Lake Garda or Lake Maggiore or Lake Lucerne or Lake Geneva or Lake Torrens or in a glorious palace on the Grand Canal in Venice or in Copenhagen or Salzburg or in a old campervan not far from the Lake Boga or the South Alligator River or Lake Argyle.

Places are occasionally available when the courses are held in one of the bland civic centres in Austrooliana or on a beach near Whyalla or in a tent in a heatwave near Mootwingee or in a small fishing boat on the choppy sea near Bermagui or in a telephone exchange in Warrnanbool or whilst lying in a swag near Mundrabilla or Kunanurra or Karumba or Borroloola or in an abandoned shopping mall in Detroit or whilst sitting under a piece of corrugated iron during a cyclone in Tonga or under a plastic tarpaulin in the snow at Calais or next to a pile of smelly rubbish in Naples or straddling the demarcation line in Cyprus or on a random doorstep in Corfu or in a crowded pub in Cork or on the promenade at Aberystwyth during a gale or outside a bank in Reykjavik or in a supermarket carpark in Stoke-on-Trent or at a service station in Swindon or just inside the door of a discount store in Scunthorpe or in an all-you-can-eat diner on the outskirts of Las Vegas or whilst registering a company in Luxembourg or whilst meeting an international tax adviser in the Isle of Man or Delaware or the Cook Islands or Monaco.

Prices start from $120,000 US for the one day course.  Please quadruple the amount if you require an extra day of training.  To secure your place in the place of your choice, within the limits of your budget and citizenship, it is recommended that you book your place, and know your place, at least three years in advance.

The Dada School of Management is a world renowned institution, famous for its many imaginative styles of presentation.  Courses are presented in plain English, with none of the usual business jargon, except during role plays.

Regardless of the climatic or political conditions at the time and place of enrolment, all students are expected to comply with the exclusive dress code, as well as the superficial code of ethics of the school.

The most popular course is the highly intensive and highly inventive Profitable Advanced Yearnings (PAY).  No-one has yet been able to enrol on it for only $120,000 US.  This is as a consequence of all the additional fees and charges required.

If your passport is linked to a non-democracy and/or to an offshore financial centre and/or tax haven, please expect to pay considerably more than the minimum.

If you wish to pay for a course other than through the Bank of Nilkawt, additional fees apply.  All payments must be received at least two years in advance of the first lesson.  There are no exceptions.

PAY students will learn how to dismiss employees efficiently, send subcontractors bankrupt as quickly as possible and buy out and shut down all likely competition, including political competition.  All tutorials will be presented by highly sophisticated Nilkawtian robots.  Credit card facilities are available in the mouths of each device if feedback on assessments is required.

Do not ask for extensions or time off for reasons or ill-health, injury or tragedy.   This will not be permitted.

Time off for holidays will be permitted, in accordance with the relevant schedule of costs, as will an hour or two to sit on a corporate board or to reprimand a world leader.

Prospective students should begin the introductory readings immediately:

1. Finding a suitable defence minister to protect your assets

2. What to do about unwanted pests

3. Keeping up with the exclusiveness of prestige

4. An insightful introduction to fine dining

5. The personal benefits of philanthropy

6. Identifying suitable locations for your business

7. Making rules and regulations work for you

8. Essential features of an excellent economy

9. Dealing with elections and other inconveniences

10. Writing your own version of history

11. Making sure poorer people pay tax instead of you

12. Strategies for expanding your property portfolio

13. Protecting your intellectual property

14. Moving successfully into new markets

15. Avoiding potential dangers

16. Succeeding within and beyond limits

17. The best investment opportunities

18. Understanding different demographics

19. How to deal with conflicts

20. Delegating all the administration

21. The truth about tenders

22. Choosing the right office for you

23. Maintaining secrecy

24. Suitable business accommodation

25. Gender equality

26. Avoiding unnecessary complexity

27. Borders, free trade and other contradictions

28. Making the most of economic development

29. Contributing to global prosperity

30. Making suitable comparisons